#which seems like it must be true but like. emotionally i want to be Perfect >:

[aeide-thea]

i did not engage with black friday but the absolutely relentless barrage of emails from various retailers about their sales! sales! sales! has had me thinking a bunch abt Shopping nonetheless

and like. there are a lot of things to be said on that front but specifically at the moment i'm frustrated with the way in which my own human failings (ADHD mainly) and also reqs/prefs make it difficult to be as good about things i care abt as i'd like—which frankly is a statement that's true far beyond the scope of this post, lol, but specifically i'm thinking abt like [cut for length]:

i've been contemplating microplastics with dread/frustration/shame and wanting to move towards natural fibers, which also just feel and perform better—but the reality afaict from my reading of reviews is that with actual t-shirt-thin 100% merino,¹ even if it says it's machine-washable, people find that it develops holes within, like, one season of wear, if not significantly sooner? which is obviously not even a little bit sustainable financially, never mind the other costs (shipping emissions, etc) of reordering clothing that often. so basically you either have to accept some percentage of reinforcing nylon in the garment, which means you're still creating microplastics when you go to wash it, or you have to handwash all your shirts, which—i've met myself. that just isn't realistically possible for me. i'm like multiple weeks overdue for doing a Big Wash but i keep ADHD-ing my way past the point in the day that i'd want to have started the process by, so it keeps getting put off, and that's with in-house washer/dryer access—imagine upping the level of difficulty by adding in handwashing! could Not be me.

so ultimately where i end up is that like, in buying corespun merino i'm improving my textural/wicking/temp reg/etc experience, so i do benefit, but the environment isn't benefiting nearly as much as i'd like, although i suppose washing a garment that's like 13% plastic is probably still not-insignificantly better than washing one that's 100% plastic, especially if the anti-stink/anti-wrinkle properties of merino pan out enough that i can actually wash the garment less often? but like. not nearly as gratifying as achieving 100% natural fiber, 0% microplastics. :/

(it's possible merino-tencel blends are hardier? so that might be worth looking into. but also i have very particular size/style/gender prefs/needs that really narrow the field of possibilities, is the thing—wanting to wear a smaller-than-standard men's size rather than a more common women's size, basically—and idk how many merino-tencel blends (if any) fit within the narrow band that leaves for me. [it's maybe possible a men's S could be dryer-shrunk enough to function as an XS, but that sounds (a) more possible with 100% merino than with a blend and (b) like an experiment too expensive to risk having fail.])

⸻ ¹ i do have one (1) fancy merino hoodie i bought years ago as an Investment Piece that's like, 100% merino machine-knit that's fleecy inside—sort of like american apparel california fleece except wool?—and is ime entirely machine-wash friendly: practical attractive impeccable garment‚ after years of amortization price almost reasonable‚ no notes. but i think it's the thickness of the fabric that makes that possible—t-shirts you want to be much thinner‚ and thinness → tearing.

[catmarlowastrology]

The True Essence Of Each Zodiac Sign

🔥 Aries: The pure will to exist At its core, Aries is the pure will to exist. It’s not about being a leader or even about courage; those are just by-products. The core of Aries is raw life force, a drive to assert one's being in a world of endless potential and obstacles. It's the first spark of individuality, a primal "I am" that needs no justification. Aggression and boldness are just survival instinct: proving, repeatedly, that they are here, living life.

🐂 Taurus: the need to build stability It’s not just laziness or sensuality; those are surface-level clichés. Taurus, in reality, seeks to create something solid and tangible. The core of Taurus is a deep need for security and stability, whether emotional, material, or in relationships. They like what can be nurtured and sustained over time, which is why they are famously resistant to change. If they seem stubborn, it’s because they aim to protect what they value and have worked so hard to build.

🌀 Gemini: the need to connect information Gemini is driven by the instinct to connect dots. Not just people, not just words.. everything. For them, existence is about understanding how things relate, how knowledge comes together to create meaning. It’s a mental web that’s constantly growing, pulling in new information, new perspectives. Their need isn’t to be understood or to bond emotionally, but to understand the world in all its fragmented complexity.

🦀 Cancer: the urge to protect and belong Cancer is driven by the urge to belong and create emotional safety. This isn’t just about nurturing others but about ensuring that they themselves are emotionally anchored. Their protective instinct isn’t just motherly, it’s self-preservation. They want to create an emotional landscape where they feel safe, where their roots can grow deep. It's about surviving the wilderness of existence by creating spaces of warmth and shelter that can endure the harshness of the outside world.

🌞 Leo: the need to radiate authentic being Leo needs to manifest its true self outwardly, to take the intangible concept of identity and project it into the world in a way that others can see and feel. The applause and admiration they seek aren’t just ego boosts. They’re a confirmation that their inner self has successfully become real and shared. Leo’s core drive is to shine so brightly that the inner self can’t be ignored or denied.

⚙️ Virgo: the desire to optimize Virgo’s deepest core is the instinct to refine existence into something more perfect. For Virgo, raw existence is never enough. It must be improved, detailed, honed. This isn't about nitpicking but about elevating what is into what could be, inching ever closer to perfection. They serve not out of meekness but because the act of serving is a way to improve reality. Their fundamental need is to feel they’re making something, anything, more functional and efficient.

⚖️ Libra: authentic balance Libra doesn’t seek to please everyone just to be popular. Their core lies in the desire to find balance, fairness, and harmony in all areas of life. They are constantly calibrating the scales, whether in personal relationships, work, or within themselves. It’s not superficiality; it’s a sincere quest for beauty and peace, something that often requires a deep understanding of duality and the complexity of life.

🦂 Scorpio: the pursuit of truth Scorpio isn’t just passion or mystery. At its core, Scorpio wants to uncover the truth at any cost, no matter how uncomfortable or painful it might be. They seek authenticity and want to understand the reality behind the façade, whether in relationships, situations, or even within themselves. It’s not that they enjoy drama; they prefer depth and reject superficiality. Scorpio's intensity comes from their desire for constant transformation and rebirth.

🌍 Sagittarius: the desire for expansion It’s not just about being adventurous or carefree. Sagittarius has a profound desire for expansion, both physically and mentally. They seek to explore not only new places but also new ideas and philosophies. They need to feel they are growing and learning, which is why they venture beyond what they know. The real core of Sagittarius is the search for meaning and the freedom to discover truth on a broader scale.

🏔️ Capricorn: building a legacy Capricorn isn’t just about ambition or coldness. At the heart of Capricorn lies the desire to build something that endures, to leave a legacy that is tangible and meaningful. It’s not about reaching goals for the sake of showing off; it’s about fulfilling a purpose that has real value, to prove through their actions that they can overcome obstacles and create something lasting. Capricorn's perseverance serves something greater than themselves.

🌌 Aquarius: the quest for authenticity and the collective Aquarius isn’t just a rebel without a cause or eccentric for the sake of it. The essence of Aquarius is their desire to be authentic and contribute to the collective well-being. They don’t defy norms just because they like to; they challenge them because they want the world to be a fairer, more equitable place for all. Their individualism is deeply connected to their vision of what humanity can become.

🌊 Pisces: connection to the transcendental Pisces isn’t just someone who lives in the clouds or is "too sensitive." Their core is about connecting with something larger than themselves. Pisces seeks to transcend the boundaries of the self, to connect with the whole, and to understand the emotional and spiritual subtleties of existence. It’s that sensitivity and ability to dream that drives them, a desire to blur the lines between the real and the imaginary to find a deeper meaning.

[lilstarkeydream]

Hidden Flames- Chapter 2

Summary: Y/N, a Kook who prefers the company of her Pogue friends, slowly falls for Rafe Cameron. Despite their growing feelings, they maintain a facade of hatred due to their conflicting social circles and personal insecurities. Y/N is best friends with Sarah, Rafe's sister, which fuels Rafe's hidden affection. He despises how Y/N hangs out with the Pogues, believing she has more potential, while Y/N can't stand Rafe's for fights and stuck up nature. After a dramatic confrontation, they confess their feelings but must keep their relationship secret, with only Sarah and Topper in the know.

Warnings: 18+ only! Fluff, Slight Angst?, Adult language, Slight Substance use

Authors note: Hey guys! I hope you like this... I'm sorry its so long and Im sorry if theres slight writing mistakes, I just kind of wanted to get it all finished :')

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The sunlight filtered through the gaps in the heavy curtains, casting slivers of light across the room. You blinked awake, your head pounding from the aftermath of last night's alcohol-fueled decisions. 

Desperately needing a Tylenol to ease the pain, you struggled to piece together the fragmented memories of the previous night. As your eyes adjusted to the brightness, you recognized the room – it was Rafe's. The events of the last night came flooding back, causing a mix of emotions to swirl in your chest: the party, the fight, the kiss.

As anxiety began to build, you turned your head and saw Rafe, still asleep beside you. His face, usually set in a smirk or scowl, was relaxed, almost peaceful. You took a moment to take in all his features, his chest still bare from last night’s activities. The sight of him like this, vulnerable and serene, was disarming. You carefully slipped out of bed, trying not to wake him. You grabbed a discarded piece of clothing across the floor to cover your chest – it was Rafe’s shirt from last night, oversized on you. Grabbing your phone, you tiptoed to the bathroom, needing a moment to collect your thoughts.

Your phone was lit up with missed notifications from the Pogues and Sarah. The half-assed lie you texted them last night, a futile attempt to assure them you were okay, now seemed laughably mediocre. The worry you had caused them only added to the weight of your guilt. In the harsh bathroom light, you examined your reflection. Your hair was slightly messy, and your cheeks were flushed. But there was something else you couldn’t quite put into words – a newfound intensity in your eyes, a hint of confusion and vulnerability.

You splashed cold water on your face, trying to wash away the remnants of last night. Not knowing how to feel, you reflected on the fact that you slept with someone you swore you hated, better yet your best friend’s brother, and worse than that, your friend’s least favorite person ever. The most confusing part was that you didn’t feel regret; the feelings you felt last night were indescribable. He made you feel a way you’ve never felt before. None of your previous boyfriends ever made you feel that way. Your only long-term boyfriend, Chris, loved you of course but he never once looked at you like Rafe did.

You thought Chris was your high school sweetheart, the kind of guy who seemed perfect on paper. He was always polite, and well-mannered, never got into trouble, and had a bright future ahead of him. Basically, he was the kind of guy parents adored and it was true your parents loved him. They still ask you how he is doing- hell do you know?

At the beginning of your relationship together, Chris’s predictability and dependability felt like exactly what you needed. He was kind and reliable and provided a sense of balance in your life. However as your time went on, that same predictability began to feel stale. His calmness started to make you feel emotionally isolated, causing distance between you. His steadiness felt more like stagnation. 

Despite the good qualities you saw in him, Chris never made your heart race or feel special; you wanted him to look at you like you were the only girl in the world. But he rarely looked at you with passion or desire. It always felt like something was missing. His love was nice, but there were moments when you craved more—something you couldn’t quite put your finger on—until your kiss with Rafe.

You tried to talk to Chris about your feelings, hoping he would understand. But every conversation seemed to hit a wall. Chris would insist that everything was fine and that you were overthinking things. He was blindsided, and you felt stuck; his lackluster effort to address your concerns only intensified your frustration. You wanted him to fight for you, to show some sign that he was willing to put in the effort to make things work, but he remained passive.

Long story short, you ended up breaking up with him one day after school, telling him you didn’t love him anymore and couldn’t keep doing it. The look of hurt and confusion on his face was something you would never forget. You haven’t spoken to him since, hoping you’d never have to again.

Rafe looked at you last night in a way that made you feel truly seen like you were the only person in the room. His gaze held a depth of emotion and desire that Chris’s never did, making you feel alive in ways you never thought possible. Rafe made your heart race and your pulse quicken. His presence was intoxicating, drawing you in despite all the reasons you had to stay away. Every touch, every whispered word, felt charged with a passion that was both thrilling and terrifying. In the few hours you spent with Rafe, you experienced highs and lows that Chris’s steady demeanor never brought. It was messy and complicated, but it also felt real.

Though you knew Rafe came with his own set of dangers and complications, you couldn't deny the way he made you feel. Rafe gave you a sense of excitement and passion that you had been missing. The way Rafe looked at you, with a mixture of longing and intensity, was something Chris never did.

After borrowing some mouthwash and quickly splashing some more water on your face, you made your way back out.

As you returned to the bed, your slight indent in the bed made Rafe stir. Seeing him slightly open up his eyes giving you a sleepy smile. You offered him a warm smile back, getting back into bed Rafe instinctively pulled you up to his chest, resting your cheek on his warm skin. Everything still seemed so perfect, but knowing you had to face your friends today, your guilt only grew

Rafe was the first to break the peaceful silence. "Good morning, you look beautiful," he murmured. You looked up at the sound of his voice, locking eyes with him. There was a secure feeling in his gaze, yet a flutter of nervousness stirred within you.

“Good morning” you replied, your voice barely above a whisper, a smile tugging on your lips.

An awkward silence followed as you both struggled to find the right words, knowing that the events of last night needed to be addressed. Your heart raced, anticipation and uncertainty mingling in the air.

"About last night," he started, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. The morning light streamed through the window, casting a soft glow on his features. He looked a bit disheveled, his hair tousled and also dealing with a massive hangover headache. "I'm sorry if things got...awkward."

You shook your head, feeling the warmth of the sunlight on your skin. "It wasn't awkward, Rafe, just... very unexpected. I need some time to process it all." The room was quiet, the only sound was the gentle rustling of leaves outside the window. You could feel your heart still beating a little faster than normal.

Rafe nodded, looking relieved yet apprehensive. He glanced around the room, his eyes briefly resting on the discarded clothes on the floors and the morning light spilling onto the floor. "I get that. Just...what does this mean for us? For you and me?" His voice was soft, almost hesitant as if he was afraid of your answer.

You looked down at your hands, avoiding his gaze. "I don't know, Rafe. I really don't know. Everything is so confusing right now."

His face fell slightly, his voice dropping to a whisper, and you could sense the tension building between you. "I just need to know if you regret it. If you regret being with me." You could feel his vulnerability in that moment, you were used to him being the most confident man on the island but here he was, seeking your validation- reminding you he is only human.

You met his eyes, the intensity in your gaze matching his. "I don't regret it, Rafe. But that doesn't mean I know what to do next." You weren’t lying, you had the best night of your life, you only remembered some of it but the way he made you feel, the way he touched you, the way he held you, was a feeling you never wanted to let go of.

Rafe sighed, the tension in the room palpable, his brows furrowed in confusion, it was obvious he wanted a straightforward solution to something so complex. "So, what? We just go back to pretending nothing happened?"

You shook your head, feeling the weight of his words, slowly rubbing your hands on his chest trying to get him to calm down. "No, I just... I need to clear my head. Please understand."

Rafe looked down, his frustration evident but tempered by understanding. "I want to understand. I do. Just...don't shut me out, okay?" He gave you a pleading look, knowing the vulnerable side he gave you last night, something no one else had seen before. 

“Rafe it was just a lot that happened ok, even you can’t deny that. You fought with me and my friends at the party, you ran after me on the beach and kissed me, and then I came over to your house and we ended up sleeping together.” You sighed in defeat, letting your hands drop from his chest, pushing yourself off, almost making your way off the bed.

The vulnerability in your voice seemed to soften him. He reached out and took your hand trying to pull you back towards him, his touch gentle. "We'll figure it out, okay? Together."

You nodded, appreciating his attempt to reassure you but still feeling the weight of uncertainty. "I have to go. My mom needs me back before noon," you lied, needing an excuse to get away and clear your head.

Rafe sensed your uncertainty and urgency in your response but knew it was probably best not to push this too far. "Okay," he said softly in defeat, letting go of your hand. "Here, let me put my phone number in your phone, in case you need anything."

You handed him your phone, and he quickly entered his number and texted him. As he finished, you started putting on your clothes from the night before. The awkwardness of dressing in silence was palpable, but neither of you knew what to say. You felt his eyes on you, not daring to look over. 

Rafe walked you to the front door, both of you trying to hold onto the brief sense of normalcy. "Take care," he said, his voice tinged with concern. "And don't hesitate to call or text, okay?"

You nodded, forcing a small smile, even though all you wanted to do was cry, scared you made everything awkward" I will. Thanks, Rafe." 

With that, you walked to your car, still parked where you left it the night before. The drive home was filled with a mix of relief and confusion. You swiftly got out of your car, making your way into your house and upstairs, without raising any suspicion from your parents. The last thing you want is your parents questioning your whereabouts last night.

Your room was the same way you left it on Friday afternoon. Your neatly made bed, your overflowing laundry basket, your makeup scattered across your desk; everything untouched. 

You quickly got refreshed, taking a warm shower and letting the water wash away the undeniable bubble of emotions you were feeling after leaving Rafe's house. You felt like everything happened so fast, not knowing what to make of your new feelings towards him and not knowing if it was right. Everything seemed so confusing, you know you couldn’t avoid Rafe and you’d run into him eventually. You just needed time to sort out your thoughts, to convince yourself that seeing him again doesn’t make you a terrible friend. Seeing him again meant you’d be forgetting about all your previous resentment towards him, it meant putting to the side your friend’s absolute hatred towards him. You couldn’t deny how he made you feel and the different side of him you saw, you craved to see that side again- his smile, him holding you, him whispering in your ear. Your mind only wandered to the possibilities of what other sides of Rafe you haven’t seen. There was so much you didn’t know and it only made the pit in your stomach grow. 

After dressing in fresh clothes and a swimsuit, you made your way to the Chateau, remembering your promise to go boating with the Pogues that afternoon. The weight of the morning’s events still lingered, but you hoped the distraction of the day would help clear your mind.

—

After a quick drive, you arrive at the Chateau, basically another one of your second homes where you spend a lot of your time. Sometimes spending the nights when you just couldn’t be around your nagging parents, or when you were too drunk or high to even think about driving. 

You jumped out of your Jeep, and made your way into the chateau, already being able to hear your friend's stupid laughter and JJ’s stupid jokes. Knowing that as soon as you walked in, the atmosphere would change and questions would arise.

As you slowly opened the door they all looked up from each other at the squeaking door, their eyes landing on you now in complete silence, knowing that questions would soon follow.

Kiara was the first to break the silence, instantly coming and giving you a bear hug followed by JJ giving you a big hug and saying “Y/N Holy shit, we thought you died, we got your text last night but something seemed off. Are you doing ok?” John B and Pope joined in the hug.

Your gut instantly fell, knowing that was going to be one of the first questions they asked, so you sucked up your breath and again lied, “Yep I’m doing ok, just still really shaken up from that fight you know. Just need to clear my head. But I missed you guys, I’m sorry I left the way I did.” 

All of them were relieved and content with your answer and released you from the tight hug. Letting you take in a nice deep breath. Finally taking into vision both JJ’s and John B’s bruised cheeks and eyes. Your hands instinctively go up to caress their face, worrying filling your eyes. Your best friends have bruises because of you- well not you specifically but you felt responsible.

JJ winced back as the cut on his cheek hurt when your hand brushed over it, “Y/N, it’s not as bad as it looks, I’m okay. We’d do it again in a heartbeat”.

You felt instant guilt, they stood up for you yet you slept with the guy who did this to them. All you could muster up to say was “Thank you guys for helping me in that fight last night, you didn’t have to do that."

John B gave you a loving look, “Y/N of course we did, that bitch Rafe Cameron had it coming. He’s constantly on your ass. We tried our best to put him in his place.”

Your eyes fell, hiding behind the actions of last night, “I truly love you guys, thank you. I’m sorry again for just leaving. My mind was racing.”

Pope was the next to chime in, offering you his sympathetic tone, “Don’t even worry about it ok Y/N, plus we totally beat the shit out of those Kooks. I’m sorry you have to deal with those assholes.” Causing you to chuckle at his response, already lighting the mood. 

“Alright guys, no more moping about those asshole Kooks, we got a boat to catch and some tanning to do,” Kie said with an uneasy attitude throwing her hands in the air, trying to make sure our pity party doesn’t last until the sun goes down.

“You’re damn right Kie,” you say, pulling her into a side hug.

The group headed out to the pier, the sun casting a golden glow on the water. JJ walked beside you, nudging you playfully. 

“You know, Y/N, if you ever need a distraction from all the Kook drama, I’m always available,” he teased, winking.

You rolled your eyes but couldn’t help smiling. “JJ, you’re always flirting. We both know you’re just looking for an excuse to show off your abs.”

He laughed, flexing exaggeratedly. “Guilty as charged. But seriously, you okay?”

You nodded, appreciating his concern. “Yeah, just a lot on my mind.”

As you approached the boat, John B. and Pope were already getting things ready. “Hey, Y/N,” Pope called out, “you seeing anyone lately? We noticed you’ve been kinda distant.”

Your stomach tightened at the question. “No, not really. Just dealing with some stuff. You know my parents are always on my ass.” You gave a half chuckle, a dead giveaway you were lying. 

Kiara gave you a knowing look. “Is it because of how Rafe treats you? Why do you still hang out with his sister if he’s such an asshole?”

You sighed, the weight of their concern pressing on you. “Sarah’s my friend Kie. I just can't. It’s complicated. But yeah, Rafe’s been... difficult.” It was much more than difficult, it was complicated now since you

slept with the man. 

JJ pulled out a blunt, lighting it up. “Here, this will help you relax.” putting it up to his mouth to take a drag before he continued, “Y/N it’s simple, just don’t let that dick make you feel like that.” You chuckled at his lackluster response, grabbing the blunt from him.

You took a hit, feeling the tension ease away slightly. “Thanks, JJ. I needed that.”

The boat ride was also just what you needed. The Pogues' laughter and banter filled the air, the sun warmed your skin, and for a while, the worries of the morning melted away. JJ made more flirty comments, which you brushed off with ease, knowing it was just part of your normal dynamic. The boat sped across the water, wind in your hair, and you felt a sense of freedom you hadn’t felt all day.

You all took turns diving into the water, the cool waves washing away the last remnants of tension. When you climbed back onto the boat, the sun was still still beating down on you, casting a beautiful golden hue over everything. You lay back on the deck, closing your eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun and the companionship of your friends.

JJ lay down next to you, his hand brushing against yours. “You know, if you ever need to talk about anything, I’m here. We all are.”

You turned your head to look at him, seeing the sincerity in his eyes. “Thanks, JJ. That means a lot.”

The day ended with everyone lounging on the boat, the last rays of sunlight disappearing over the horizon. As the boat made its way back to the pier, you felt a sense of calm. You knew you had to deal with your feelings for Rafe eventually, but for now, you had your friends, and that was enough.

—

You docked the boat late afternoon, the golden hues of the sunset arrest casting a serene glow over the water. The calmness of the moment was enhanced by the Pogues' laughter and light-hearted teasing. You felt so calm with them, completely carefree; living for all their antics.

“Thanks for an awesome boat day, guys. You have no idea how much I needed this,” you said, feeling your nerves settle into a peaceful calm.

“Anytime, Y/N,” John B replied with a grin. “We’ve always got your back. Pogues for life remember”

You mirrored his grin, “Pogues for life”

Back at the Chateau, everyone gathered in the living room, munching on leftover pizza and catching up on each other's lives. Pope was anxious about his upcoming interview for a prestigious scholarship, sharing his worries with the group. It was always safe to say that Pope was the brains in the group. John B on the other hand, still living alone since his dad's disappearance ten months ago, talked about how he thought his dad was still out there and picking up on his research where he left off, as well as getting threatened multiple times to get thrown into foster care. 

Kiara described her latest environmental conservation project, everyone playfully rolling their eyes, and she mentioned the numerous shifts she had to pick up at her father's restaurant. Her dad was similar to your parents, hated the Pogues- thinking they were bad influences- as well as being super hard on Kie. 

JJ told us he had landed a new job at Pelican’s Nest, an up-tight Kook club where he waited tables and tried to avoid getting into fights with all the Kooks. As he spoke, you could sense his underlying frustration with the job, though he tried to play it off with his usual toughness.

The conversation and familiar banter between you and your friends provided a much-needed distraction from the pressure you were feeling inside. When they asked what was new in your life, you managed a casual response, explaining that you were stressed about the upcoming 

Midsummer's event, the big Kook gathering of the year. You mentioned the annoyance and pressure of picking out a dress your parents put on you, all while pretending to enjoy yourself. You managed to keep your real concerns to yourself, not giving them away from any body language, knowing they'd flip out if they knew what happened with Rafe.

You checked your phone and saw missed texts from Sarah, asking how you were doing and how you were feeling after the party. Your heart quickened at seeing her text, somehow thinking if she already knew- maybe Rafe told Topper and Topper told her. God, you hope not. You quickly texted her back, saying, “Hey, I’m okay. Can you come over to my place in a bit? We need to talk.” She quickly texted you back telling you she’d be there soon. You knew this text would cause her to worry about you.

You turned to the Pogues, smiling despite the turmoil still lingering beneath the surface. “I’ve got to head home. My mom needs me back before dinner,” you lied, not ready to admit the real reason you needed to leave. “But I’ll be back tomorrow for some more shenanigans. I promise, okay. No random ghosting” All of them signed at this comment, but knowing how controlling your parents could be, always made the perfect excuse.

“Alright, don’t keep us waiting too long,” JJ said with a wink. You rolled your eyes, at his flirty gesture. JJ’s carefree attitude was something you always loved about him. He can be erratic and quick-tempered but would always take a bullet for his friends.

You said your goodbyes, hugging each of them tightly, promising not to ghost them again. JJ and Kie walked you out to your car reminding you again that they were there if you needed anything. 

The drive home was filled with mixed emotions. You were grateful for the distraction but knew you had to face what happened with Rafe. You debated multiple times today if you should text him, but you were so lost on what to say. 

Pulling into your driveway, you saw Sarah’s car already parked there. Guilt starting to eat at your stomach, knowing there was no turning back from telling her. How is your best friend going to react to your sleeping with her older brother? How would that make your conversation on Friday before the party sound, you previously vented to her about how Rafe only makes you feel bad but somehow at the party all of this changed. The complete situation was too much. 

She met you at your front door, her face etched with concern. “What’s going on, Y/N?”

You led her inside, to the privacy of your room, the place where you always felt safest. “Sarah, I need to tell you something about last night.”

Her eyes widened slightly, a mix of curiosity and worry. “What is it?”

You took a deep breath, gathering the courage to speak. “I... I slept with Rafe.” You began burying your face in your pillows, not daring to see your best friend’s reaction.

Sarah’s expression shifted to one of shock and anger. “What? How the hell did that happen Y/N? Jesus Christ you slept with my fucking brother. After everything he’s done?”

“I know, I know, I know Sarah,” you said quickly, tears welling up in your eyes, on the verge of a panic attack. “It just happened. I don’t know how to explain it. It was unexpected, and I’m so confused about Sarah. It just happened” you began sobbing into your pillow, “I don’t know what to do Sarah” your voice slightly muffled

Sarah’s anger softened into understanding as she saw the distress on your face. She took a deep breath, calming herself, reaching her hand out to comfort you, “Okay, tell me everything.”

You recounted the events of the night, from the fight to the kiss to waking up in his bed. Sarah listened intently, her initial anger giving way to concern and empathy but confusion still evident on her face.

“I’m mad, Y/N, but I also get it. Rafe can be... different sometimes. I’ve seen it. But you have to be careful. He’s not exactly the safest bet.” 

You nodded, relief washing over you as she spoke, not completely tearing you to shreds. “I know, and I’m not sure what to do next. But I couldn’t keep it from you and I just can’t tell the pogues for obvious reasons.”

Sarah hugged you tightly. “You both will figure it out, ok? It’ll stay between me and you. Just promise me you’ll be careful, Rafe can be unpredictable and the last thing I want is you getting hurt”

“I promise,” you whispered, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders.

Sarah sighed, pulling away slightly. “You know, I’ve noticed how he looks at you sometimes. It’s like he’s trying to figure something out, or maybe he’s just... drawn to you. It’s weird.”

You looked up from your tear-filled eyes, surprised. “You’ve noticed that?”

She nodded, smiling, “Yeah. It’s subtle, but it’s there. I always thought it was just him being his usual creepy self, but now...”

“But now?” you prompted.

She sighed again. “Now I’m not so sure. Look, this needs to stay between us, okay? Rafe’s got a lot of issues, and again I don’t want to see you get hurt. But if you think there’s something worth exploring, and if he makes you happy... I guess that’s what matters.”

You hugged her again, feeling a mixture of relief and trepidation. “Thanks, Sarah. I really needed to hear that.”

After a bit more talking, Sarah glanced at her phone, rolling her eyes at a text message she got. “I promised Topper I’d go to this house party with him. Are you going to be okay?”

You laughed and then sighed while rolling your eyes, knowing you’d be alone with your thoughts again, but understanding. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Topper would hate it if you weren’t there.”

You walked her out to her car, and she gave you one last, serious look., “Y/N” she paused and then continued, “Just... be careful with Rafe, okay? I don’t want to see you get hurt and if he hurts you I'll beat his ass I swear to god.”

“I will,” you promised full honesty in your chest. You didn't want to get hurt either.

As Sarah’s car disappeared down the street, you took a moment to breathe in the evening air, feeling a mix of relief and lingering anxiety. You hadn't been sure how Sarah would react to the news of you and Rafe, and her initial shock and anger had been expected. But It had gone better than expected, and for that, you were grateful. You knew it wasn’t easy for her to hear about her brother, especially given Rafe’s reputation and the history between your groups. Sarah’s words echoed in your mind: “Just be careful.” You knew she was right. The fact that she was willing to support you gave you a breath of fresh air.

—

Back inside, you took another shower to wash off the day. Putting on your favorite pajamas and grabbing your favorite snacks from your kitchen, you settled back on your bed, grabbed your TV remote, and settled with a rom-com, hoping it would distract you. Romcoms were usually a comfort item for you, but your mind kept drifting back to Rafe, and the conflicting emotions swirling inside you. Seeing the characters kiss and go on romantic dates only confused your mind, wondering if that could be you and Rafe.

It annoyed you how he was suddenly taking up so much space in your thoughts. You had always thought he was attractive ever since you’d known Sarah, but he was her off-limit older brother. It felt like such a forbidden crush, one you never allowed yourself to fully acknowledge or entertain because of how he acted.

Your mind wandered back to an older memory from a couple of summers ago. You and Sarah were at her pool, lounging and chatting about the latest drama at school. The sun was blazing, the water shimmering invitingly, and everything felt easy and carefree. That was until Rafe walked out with his friends, Topper and Kelce. They were loud and obnoxious as always, but your eyes were immediately drawn to Rafe. He was shirtless, and his toned, athletic body caught your breath for a moment. You swear you have never seen a man look so good.

But then, as if to remind you exactly why you kept your distance, he made one of his usual snarky comments. “Nice swimsuit, Y/N. Too bad that’s the only nice thing about you.” The words stung, and the momentary attraction you felt turned into irritation and anger. He had this way of ruining things with his cutting remarks, making sure you never got too close.

You remembered how Sarah had rolled her eyes and muttered an apology on his behalf, but the damage was done. The butterflies you felt were squashed under the weight of his arrogance. It was moments like those that solidified your belief that nothing could ever happen between you two.  He was a jerk, plain and simple, and any attraction you felt was overshadowed by his cruel behavior.

Yet now, as you lay in bed, those memories mixed with the recent, softer moments you’d shared with him. It was confusing to reconcile the Rafe who had hurt you with words and the Rafe who had held you tenderly, whispering sweet things in your ear. It felt like he was two different people, and you didn’t know which version was real.

As you tried to focus on the movie, your thoughts kept drifting back to him. You couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if things were different. If he wasn’t Sarah’s brother, if he wasn’t such an asshole sometimes, could there be something real between you?

The conflicting emotions swirled inside you, making it hard to focus on anything else. You sighed, frustrated with yourself for even entertaining the idea. But no matter how much you tried to push the thoughts away, they kept coming back, stronger and more persistent.

You had always been careful to keep your feelings in check, to not let your crush on Rafe become anything more. But now, after everything that had happened, it was getting harder and harder to deny. The way he looked at you, the way he touched you, it all felt so different, so real.

With a groan, you turned off the TV, unable to concentrate on the movie any longer. The rom-com only makes you more frustrated, no longer an escape. You lay back on your bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of your tangled emotions. You knew you had to talk to Rafe, to figure out what this all meant. But the thought of confronting him, of possibly getting hurt again, made your heart race with anxiety.

Maybe Sarah was right. Maybe you did need to be careful. But you couldn’t deny the pull you felt towards Rafe, no matter how much you tried. It was confusing and scary, but you knew you had to face it, to see where it might lead. Maybe that's why you pushed him away this morning, you were scared of getting hurt deep down, even though the boy was confessing his heart out. Your cat, Butters, a fluffy orange tabby with big green eyes, jumped up on your bed, sensing your distress. He purred close to you, his warm body a comforting presence against your side. Butters always seemed to know when you needed him the most, his purring a soothing balm to your frazzled nerves.

Your eyes started to feel heavy, and the magnitude of the day started to weigh on you. As you lay there, you could feel your body relaxing, the tension slowly melting away. Your thoughts began to blur and fade, replaced by a serene drowsiness. With Butters nestled beside you, his purring like a gentle, reassuring heartbeat, you allowed yourself to sink into the embrace of sleep. Your eyelids fluttered shut, and you let out a final, contented sigh. The last thing you remembered was the comforting warmth of Butters and the gentle glow of the salt lamp before you drifted off into a deep, peaceful slumber.

—

A bit later in the night, you heard taps on your window, stirring you out of your sleep. Butters also perked up in defense. Your heart raced as you got up to investigate, knowing it was probably not smart or safe for you to. Pulling back the curtain, you saw Rafe standing there, his soft features illuminated by the streetlight in front of your house. You quickly opened the window, anger and confusion bubbling up at his reckless actions.

You whisper-yelled at him, not daring to wake your parents, “What the fuck are you doing here, Rafe? And why are you tapping on my window like a total creep? My parents could’ve called the police on you!”

“I needed to see you,” he said, his voice earnest. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about last night.”

You rolled your eyes at him, secretly excited to see him, moving over so he could climb in through your window.

You stared at him, your emotions in turmoil. “You can’t just show up here like this, Rafe. You should’ve texted me. What do you even want?”

As Rafe climbed through your window, making a slight thump as he made his way in, he stood in your room looking more vulnerable than you’d ever seen him. The moonlight streaming through the window cast a soft glow on his face, highlighting the uncertainty in his eyes and the slight tremor in his hands.

“I don’t know, okay? I just... I can’t stop thinking about you.” he confessed, his voice raw and filled with a mixture of confusion and determination. His eyes, usually so guarded, now revealed a depth of feeling that he rarely allowed anyone to see. There was a certain restlessness in his stance, a fidgeting with his hands that betrayed his inner turmoil.

He ran a hand through his hair, a nervous habit you had noticed he did when he was unsure of himself. His breathing was slightly uneven as if the weight of his feelings was almost too much to bear. It was clear that he had been wrestling with these emotions for a while, trying to make sense of them and find the courage to express them to you.

Rafe took a hesitant step closer, his eyes never leaving yours. “I know this is complicated, and it’s risky... but I don’t care. I just want to be with you, even if it means sneaking around and keeping it a secret.”

You took a step back, trying to process his words, actively stressing over the fact that he showed up at your house. “Rafe, this is crazy. You hated me less than two days ago, and now you’re crawling through my window.”

He stared at you, at a loss for words. He knew the change in his behavior was a lot for you to process, but he was determined to show you a different side of him.

Your heart pounded in your chest as you looked into his eyes, feeling the pull between you. “Rafe, this is complicated. I don’t know if I can do this.”

He reached out, gently cupping your face. “I know it’s complicated. But I don’t care. I want to figure this out with you.”

You took a deep breath, feeling the weight of the situation pressing down on you. “But what about everyone else? The Pogues, your family, my friends… they’re all going to freak out if they find out about this. They’ll never understand.”

You looked down, feeling tears well up in your eyes. “I’m scared, Rafe. I’m scared of getting hurt, of hurting others. What if this doesn’t work out? What if we’re just fooling ourselves?”

He lifted your chin, forcing you to meet his gaze, wiping the tears that escaped from your eyes. “I get it. I’m scared too. But I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. I’m tapping on your window in the middle of the night, Y/N, goddamnit.” He paused, lowering his voice to make sure his words came out correctly. “When I’m with you, it’s different, Y/N. I feel things I’ve never felt before.”

You felt a wave of emotions crash over you, the fear, excitement, and hope all mingling together. “I just… I need to know that you’re serious about this. About us.”

Before Rafe could respond, you both heard footsteps approaching your room. Panic surged through you as you quickly gestured for Rafe to hide in your closet. He barely managed to conceal himself before your mom knocked on the door, opening the door to you sitting on the edge of the bed, your face flush.

“Y/N, is everything okay in there?” she asked, her voice filled with concern. “I heard some noise.”

You took a deep breath, trying to steady your voice. Cursing yourself that you didn’t lock your door, “Yeah, Mom, everything’s fine. I just had a weird dream and Butters knocked something over. Sorry if I woke you and Dad up”

Your mom hesitated for a moment, scanning around your room for any sign of trouble.  Her eyes landed on the open window, raising an eyebrow. “Why is your window open?” Your heart dropped, remembering you left it open.

You quickly responded, smiling, “It was just hot in here, and Butters likes to sit by the window. I’ll close it now.”

She gave you a disapproving look. “You shouldn’t leave the window open at night, Y/N. It’s not safe. Get some rest, honey, you have to go dress shopping tomorrow. Love you lots.”

“Yup, thanks, Mom. I love you too, Goodnight,” you said, waiting until her footsteps retreated down the hallway before letting out a sigh of relief. 

Rafe emerged from the closet, a sheepish grin on his face. “That was close.”

You couldn’t help but laugh softly, the tension momentarily easing. “Yeah, it was. My mom is like a hawk sometimes, she has crazy hearing.”

Rafe chuckled again before his expression turned more serious as he stepped closer to you. “Look, I know this is a lot. And I know I’ve been a jerk in the past, and I will always be sorry for that, I can’t take back that hurt. But I’m serious about this, Y/N. I want to try, even if it’s complicated.”

You looked into his eyes, searching for sincerity. “Okay. But we need to take this slow, Rafe. We need to figure things out together, and we can’t let anyone else know for now.”

Rafe nodded in understanding. “I get it. Let’s not talk here though, in case we wake your parents. I know a place we can go.” You hesitated, not sure if you should sneak out.

“Okay,” you said, surprising yourself with how simply you agreed. He had a presence about him that just made you feel so comfortable.

You told him you just needed to change really quickly. Slipping into your bathroom, you opted for simple leggings and a t-shirt, quickly putting on some mascara, letting down your hair, and spraying on your favorite perfume. When you exited the bathroom, he was sitting on your bed, Butters cuddled up by his side, melting your heart. You were surprised Butters accepted him so fast; usually, she didn’t like many people. Maybe it was a sign.

When he heard you shut the bathroom door, he looked up at you, a small smile forming on his face as he took in your beauty. Heat rose to your cheeks, and you looked down sheepishly, telling him you were ready to go.

You both sneakily and quietly crept out your window, him helping you a little bit by grabbing your hand, causing your heart to skip at his warm touch. You made sure to leave your window open just a little bit for when you snuck back in. You had to be careful; some parts of the sides of your house lit up due to motion light cameras. You also had very noisy

neighbors who loved to gossip with your mom daily, you would never hear the end of it if she caught what you were up to. 

Once past all the obnoxious obstacles, you made your way to Rafe's truck, which was parked just a little bit down the street. You were happy it was dark out, concealing the identity of both you and Rafe, just in case of any prying eyes.

Rafe once again opened the passenger door for you, waiting for you to get in before gently shutting it. Your heart warmed at his sweet gesture. You couldn’t help but keep your eyes on Rafe as he made his way to the driver’s side of the truck. There was something about him that you never noticed before; you don’t think you've ever seen Rafe's face in so much detail.

In the soft moonlight, his features seemed even more striking. His jawline was strong and defined, giving him a chiseled, almost classic handsomeness. His hair, slightly tousled, framed his face perfectly. But it was his eyes that truly captivated you. They were a deep, mesmerizing shade of blue, like the ocean just before a storm. There was the same intensity in them that you felt Friday night, a mix of vulnerability and determination that made it hard to look away.

You noticed the small, almost invisible freckles scattered across the bridge of his nose and the way his lips curved into a genuine smile when he looked at you. His smile reached his eyes, crinkling them at the corners, adding a warmth that contrasted with his usual rugged appearance.

As he climbed into the truck and started the engine, you couldn’t help but think about how handsome he was. There was a depth to his features, a blend of softness and strength that made your heart race. And those eyes—they seemed to see right through you, making you feel both exposed and understood in a way you hadn't felt before. They made you feel like you could never hide anything from them, even if you tried

Rafe glanced over at you, catching you staring. “Everything okay?” he asked with a hint of amusement in his voice.

You quickly looked away, embarrassed, a shade of pink rushing to your cheeks.

 “Yeah, everything’s fine.” Thankfully, it was dark enough that he couldn’t see the full effect he was having on you.

He chuckled softly as he drove, the sound low and comforting. “Good,” he said, his eyes briefly meeting yours again, making your heart skip a beat.

The car ride settled into a comfortable silence. You kept sneaking glances at him, taking in his features, not sure if you could ever get enough. His focused expression as he drove, the way his fingers gripped the steering wheel, and the occasional sideways glance he gave you—all of it made you feel a mix of excitement and nervousness.

After a short drive, you pulled up to a cute little ice cream shop. The neon red signs on top highlighted the shop's name, and a few neon signs in the window, one saying “Open,” cast a warm, inviting glow. Despite living in the Outer Banks for years, you realized you had never been inside this place.

Rafe parked the truck and quickly came around to open your door again. “I thought ice cream sounded good,” he said sheepishly, a small smile playing on his lips.

You couldn’t help but smile back. “It sounds perfect.”

He guided you inside, and the shop was just as charming as it looked from the outside. Only two other customers were there, an elderly couple sitting in the corner, sharing some ice cream. The sight warmed your heart, and you couldn’t help but hope that you might have something like that in your future.

You looked at all the ice cream cases, feeling not only indecisive due to the variety of choices but also because of the man standing next to you. The fact that he was taking you to get ice cream felt surreal in a way.

He interrupted you out of your thoughts, “So, what are you thinking?” Rafe asked, his eyes twinkling as he watched you deliberate.

“There are so many options,” you said, laughing softly. “What do you recommend?” 

He leaned in slightly, scanning the flavors with you, his arm going to the small of your back making your heart jump. “I usually go for mint chocolate chips or cookies and cream. But honestly, everything here is good.”

You finally decided on cookies and cream, and Rafe placed the order, paying for both of you despite your protests. It was another small gesture that made your heart flutter, only making it harder for you to deny your feelings for him.

“Thank you for this,” you said softly, taking a bite of your ice cream. The flavors melted in your mouth, swearing it was the best ice cream you've ever tasted.

After finishing your ice cream, Rafe suggested taking a walk along the pier. The night air was cool, and the soft sounds of the waves crashing against the shore added to the serene atmosphere. As you strolled together, the conversation flowed effortlessly, touching on everything and nothing in particular. Through these moments, you learned more about Rafe. He confided in you that he often comes out here to clear his head when he needs to escape.

Rafe began to open up about his relationship with his dad, revealing that his father is very hard on him and doesn't listen to him much. This was something you were somewhat aware of from your time at the Cameron residence. However, you never fully grasped the depth of their issues or the impact they could have on Rafe. Whenever you and Sarah talked about it, she would casually brush it off. Sarah's dad always showed love and affection towards her and Wheezie, but he seemed to have a different, much harsher approach with Rafe- that was something you couldn’t even deny. 

Your heart pangs at his words, feeling helpless for his dad's impossibly high standards and the lack of emotional support Rafe had in his life. Making it evident his father contributed heavily to Rafe's inner turmoil and confident persona he always tried to display, even due to his inner low self-esteem.

You took a deep breath and shared, "I'm sorry Rafe you don't deserve that.” You paused for a moment, then continued, “My parents put a lot of pressure on me too. They have these expectations for me to act a certain way, hang out with the 'right' people, and excel academically. They want me to be at the top of my class and have my future all planned out. But half the time I just don’t know what the fuck I'm doing you know.”

Rafe nodded, his expression softening as he listened. “I get that. It's like no matter what you do, it's never enough for them."

“Exactly,” you said, it was like a breath of fresh air, having someone feel the exact way you felt.

You walked along the pier a little bit more, the mood shifting as the subject changed to something more light-hearted. 

Rafe’s perfect smile and the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed made you feel at ease, and you couldn’t help but be drawn to him more and more. As you continued to walk, you couldn't help but wrap your arms around yourself to keep yourself warm, the cold draft of the night flowing through the wind.

Rafe took immediate notice of this, taking off his gray hoodie, revealing a simple t-shirt underneath, offering it to you.

“Here, take my hoodie, it’s getting cold” he insisted, his voice gentle yet firm.

“No, I’m okay,” you insisted, though you were visibly shivering, cursing yourself for not wearing something heavier, knowing that the Outer Banks gets cold at night.

You couldn’t help but smile at his insistence as you pulled the hoodie over your head, savoring the warmth and the faint scent of him that clung to the fabric, bringing your mind back to memories of his room.

As you reached the end of the pier, Rafe suddenly scooped you up, causing you to squeal in surprise and curse at the sudden movement. You playfully hit his chest, telling him to set you down, laughing as he gently set you on the rail of the pier, standing between your legs and holding you steadily, making sure you didn’t fall.

Your heart raced as he held you, the warmth of his hands on your waist grounding you. The moment felt surreal, a mix of excitement and nervousness bubbling inside you. You were very aware of his closeness, the way his breath mingled with yours in the cool night air, and the protective way he made sure you were safe.

“I’m serious, Y/N,” he said, his voice soft but earnest. “I want to try with you. Give me a chance.” His words hung in the air, and you could see the sincerity in his eyes.

Your heart swelled with emotion at his confession. The rawness in his voice, the openness in his gaze—it all made you realize how much this meant to him, there was no lie behind his face. You both knew the complications that lay ahead, the secrets you would have to keep. The thought of having to hide this from everyone, especially the Pogues, weighed heavily on your mind. Yet, at this moment, none of that seemed to matter. The only thing that did was the way Rafe looked at you, his eyes full of determination and sincerity.

Leaning in, you closed the distance between you and Rafe, your lips meeting in a tender kiss. Rafe brings his right hand to the back of your neck, deepening the kiss. The air around you seemed to be still, the soft sounds of the waves merging with the quiet rustling of the night breeze through the pier's wooden planks. Above, the stars twinkled in a vast dark sky along with the bright moonlight, illuminating the scene below it.

Rafe’s lips were warm against yours, his touch both cold and gentle, yet undeniably sure. It sent shivers down your spine and raised goosebumps on your arms, intensifying the sensation of his closeness. It was a kiss that felt like a beginning, a promise of something deeper and more meaningful between you both. As you melted into each other, the world around you faded into the background, leaving only the sensation of his closeness and the beat of your racing heart.

At that moment, all your doubts and uncertainties seemed to melt away. The kiss was more than amazing—it was transformative. It showed you a different side of Rafe, one that was caring and vulnerable, he had opened up to you in a way you hadn’t expected. 

After the kiss, you both stood there for a moment, breathless and lost in each other's eyes. Eventually, Rafe broke the silence with a gentle smile, his hand still resting on your neck.

"Come on," he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper. "Let's get you home."

—

Rafe slowly pulled back into your neighborhood, his truck coming to a halt. Feeling sleep wanting to overtake you, but adrenaline keeping you up, this new feeling with Rafe was electrifying. Rafe turned his truck off, creating defying silence between you, no longer the quiet hum of the engine allowing for both of you to process what just happened.

"You know," Rafe finally spoke, breaking the silence as he glanced at you briefly, "I meant what I said back there. I want to try, Y/N. With you."

His sincerity warmed your heart, and you smiled softly. "I want to try too, Rafe. I'm serious.”

A small smile played on his lips as he leaned closer, brushing a strand of hair away from your face, taking in your features. "Good," he murmured, his breath warm against your cheek. "Because I really like you, Y/N."

Your heart skipped a beat at his confession, warmth spreading through you, for the first time feeling confident in your answer. "I really like you too, Rafe."

The moment hung between you, filled with unspoken promises and the quiet assurance that despite the confusing road of the head, you both had deep feelings for one another. Rafe leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to your lips before pulling away, signaling it was the end of your night together

"Goodnight, Y/N," he said softly, his voice carrying a mix of fondness and reluctance.

"Goodnight, Rafe, thank you for tonight,”  you replied, pulling away from his touch and letting yourself out of his truck, watching him as he drove away into the night, sneaking your way back into your room.

—

The house was quiet, everyone else already asleep, oblivious to the evening you had just experienced. Closing your window softly behind you, you leaned against it, replaying every moment with Rafe in your mind, your smile still dancing on your lips.

Setting his hoodie gently on your desk chair, you couldn't help but smile as you caught a whiff of his cologne still lingering on the fabric. It was a comforting reminder of the night, of Rafe's warmth, and the stolen moments you shared. The scent was intoxicating, a mix of his favorite cologne and the sea breeze from your walk along the pier. You made a silent promise to yourself not to wash it anytime soon, wanting to preserve that connection just a little longer.

Climbing into bed, you felt a new sense of relief and thrill wash over you. The sheets were cool against your skin, but your heart was warm with the memory of Rafe’s touch. Despite the need for the secrecy that lay ahead, having to keep this from your closest friends, the thought of stolen kisses and secret hangouts with Rafe made your skin jump; tonight was just a little taste. You imagined the thrill of sneaking around, the excitement of quick, whispered conversations and stolen glances when no one was looking. The risk suddenly felt worth taking.

You were unsure if you even would want to tell your parents about Rafe, you knew they'd be questioning your sudden giddiness. Even though you were always out doing something with friends, it would be weird for them to see you coming home extra late, always texting on your phone. But you guess you'll get there when it happens, knowing you'd have to throw in a couple of white lies here and there.

As you snuggled under the covers, hugging your pillow, a giddy excitement bubbled up inside you. The nervous energy from earlier was now accompanied by a comforting warmth, similar to the feeling you get when you know Christmas is coming; the anticipation of what's to come made you feel more excited than ever. Your mind couldn’t help but wander to the way Rafe’s eyes had softened when he looked at you, the sincerity in his voice when he confessed his feelings and the gentle yet firm touch of his hand on your neck. You wondered who else had seen this side of Rafe, knowing it was rare. Has Topper or Kelce ever witnessed this caring, soft-spoken, vulnerable side of him? Did his family ever see it? Have any other girls experienced Rafe this way? The usual outward persona of Rafe was always blocked off and cold, making it seem crazy that you were getting to see something more, something everyone wondered if Rafe even had in him. Your mind continued to race with a million thoughts, all of them not seeming to have a definite answer.

As you eventually drifted off to sleep, a smile still sat on your lips. Tonight had been the beginning, a taste of the hidden affection and shared secrets with Rafe.

--——----------————- ❥・-------------------------

Taglist: @rafesno1bae

[devine-fem]

What do you think about Damian’s relationship with his parents?

Bruce.

One thing I do notice is that he treats Damian way differently than he treats his other Robins. Whether or not it was because of how writers treated his blood relation to Bruce or them thinking Damian deserved little to no compassion.

He calls Jason, Dick and Tim petnames when they’re Robin, not always cutesy but still hold mentor-like charm but… he just will refer to Damian as ‘boy’ and not even son.

Bruce kind of refused to get Damian any normal psychological help and throughout his childhood, he was just very absent. He expected so much of Damian but at the same time would expect nothing from him and he constantly feels like he needs to be better for him or else he will not be loved.

That doesn’t mean Bruce isn’t there when it counts, I do think he cares for Damian greatly but just has his own way of showing it which must be so confusing for a little boy.

Writers are trying to make it so Bruce is this picture in the frame kind of Dad but I don’t know if this does their characters any good as charming as it seems.

Talia.

Firstly, I would like to say that if you think Talia is this emotionally abusive, manipulative mother to Damian then you’re very much wrong. She’s not free of her actions in canon but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him with her whole heart.

She does. The whole point of letting him become Robin was to give him foundation, and choice in his path because she loves him so and wants him to have the freedom she never had.

She’s a victim herself. She’s the daughter of Ra’s al Ghul, but everything she has ever done for Damian has come from a place of love and adoration of him. It has to make sense to her.

She’s a mother. She’s crawled out of hell for that boy.

He’s always sought acceptance. He wants to belong and I don’t think either of his parents see him as enough.

Bruce most of the time either ignores him or yells at him. Bruce is the one who demands for him to be better, not Talia, she wants him think that she loves him as he is but this isn’t always true. She’s not exempt from the trauma and abuse she put Damian through but that doesn’t mean she’s to blame for her own abuse as she’s a victim herself and that’s why she acts this way. That’s why at times he chooses to leave to escape this.

Damian has been taught by the blade, by servants and assassins, that coupled with his craving to be perfect has driven him emotionally into a pit where he’s cold and distant.

Speaking of which, people like to talk about Dick and Damian’s relationship of being parental but I think that’s more of a batfam stan fanon thing. I don’t think this would do either of the characters any good.

If you want to seek familial and fatherly relationships that Damian has then look to Alfred.

Even early into his development, Alfred was one person who was willing to hear Damian out and be there for him. When Bruce wasn’t around, Alfred was, as it was like this for many Robins before him but… Alfred’s passing is a great part if Damian’s character because with what he’s been through - it makes him care greatly for him as if he was a father.

[markantonys]

the good thing about the slog is that because such little of true import happens over such a long chunk of the series, the show is quite well-positioned to be able to tell the whole story cohesively in any number of seasons after 4. only 4 seasons would be tricky, but 5 or 6 would be just as doable as 7 or 8. (disclaimer that there has not been any news or speculation about potentially getting less than 8 seasons so don't panic haha it's just a topic i was randomly thinking about today! that being said, i do think 8 seasons is pretty ambitious in today's television landscape, especially if it continues to take 2 years to make each season, so while we're all hoping for the full 8, it's worth imagining how they could do it in fewer.)

i expect s4 to roughly coincide with the end of LOC, so, dumai's wells for rand and being raised amyrlin for egwene. perrin, mat, nynaeve, and elayne have more wiggle room in what they might be getting up to during s4 (it seems possible the ebou dar trip might be absorbed into tanchico in s3, and perrin may have to get an invented plotline or have a later plotline brought forward for s4 since he has so little in TFOH-LOC), so i won't guess at the endpoint for them beyond that it will likely leave them ready to kick into a fresh new storyline for s5. and nynaeve frankly doesn't have a book storyline after ebou dar (she's just supporting rand's & lan's storylines), so i'll ignore her in this post and just focus on the other 5 mains. fingers crossed the show will come up with more for nynaeve to do during this part of the story, but that's a separate topic.

after LOC, as far as i can recall, each of them only has 1-2 main things they strictly Must do before the last battle (obviously i've left out a bunch of stuff, but i'm thinking of just the absolute bare minimum essentials here):

rand: cleanse saidin (only requires 1 episode); reach his lowest point, then pull himself back up again, all the while simultaneously working to get as many nations under his banner as possible

egwene: unite the tower as uncontested amyrlin

perrin: finish wolf training; fold the whitecloaks into his army

mat: rescue moiraine (only requires 1 episode); get himself in charge of the seanchan forces

elayne: become uncontested queen of andor

so if s4 ends where i speculate, they'd all be perfectly positioned to spend 4-6 episodes of s5 doing these things, then the last battle for the remaining 2-4 episodes, and boom, we've fit all the most crucial things into only 5 seasons.

i know the instinct is to gasp and insist that they all have so much else to do, but.........do they really? everybody agrees that egwene & elayne & perrin only have 1 plotline during books 7-11 which is dragged out for more books than is needed to tell it, so mat and rand are really the sticking points. but if you think about it, mat spends this time repeatedly starting one plotline but then getting yanked out of it partway through to start a new one, so he doesn't actually accomplish that much story-wise. rand, meanwhile, is on a bunch of little 1-book quests (taking illian, seanchan campaign, hunting traitor asha'man, trying to meet with DOTNM) that could be cut for time or merged into his Darth Rand emotional arc from TGS. honestly, he's so emotionally stagnant for most of books 7-11 (he's either not present, dicking around doing nothing, or repeating emotional beats he already did in TSR-LOC) that i don't think going from dumai's wells straight to Darth Rand would be a bad idea at all, if the show had to; in fact, dumai's wells is kind of a perfect launchpoint for that arc, emotions-wise, and plot-wise, if they wanted to replace some of the arad doman events with some slog events, but just put the Darth Rand emotional spin on those slog events, they could easily do so (for example, him being reckless/arrogant with callandor against the seanchan and getting his own people killed could sub in for natrin's barrow in showing how ruthlessly Ends Justify Means he's becoming).

but anyway, these are imo the absolute most crucial pre-TLB plot points of the second half of the series (at least for these main characters, i'm not taking ALL characters into account in this post) and they could be fit into only 5 seasons without much trouble. now if you've got 6, 7, or 8 seasons, that gives extra room to expand these plot points and also add in some additional, not-strictly-required-but-nice-to-have plot points like more Little Rand Quests, elayne taking the throne of cairhien, egwene & gawyn hunting assassins in the tower, and the faile kidnapping plotline. (while making this post i actually had a wild thought of the faile kidnapping being perrin's s4 plotline followed by wolves & whitecloak stuff in s5 then into TLB, or alternately the whitecloaks being part of the kidnapping plotline as perrin's unlikely allies rather than the seanchan; could be a great structure for a 5-6 season scenario, but for 7-8 it would cause perrin to run out of content too quickly haha)

[illumoonated]

Analyzing Tifa Lockhart

*some spoilers for Remake/Rebirth/Original*

This interpretation is not dependent on her characterization from the original ffvii--i.e. this is focused on remake and rebirth.

Tifa gets a lot of flack for not being "interesting" or "complex". But to be honest, I think that's the point. If you don't care to look closer, you're just like the majority of the people she's come across in her life. You've fallen for the mask she's perfected to protect her true self.

Tifa is quick to help others but not quick to believe in herself. She has heard compliments about her appearance from googly-eyed fanboys like a Johnny for a very long time. But she is not vain and does not revel in it. Tifa clearly doesn't want to be known solely for her looks. In fact, I'd say she feels hindered by them.

Now, some people will argue that this isn't a "flaw". "Oh no! Poor girl is too beautiful! How hard that has to be...[sarcasm]." But for Tifa, it means that she's not taken seriously at first glance. She's somehow expected to be perfect because of how she looks. It's a label that others put on her. She is beautiful and therefore she MUST be good.

So what does Tifa do? She desperately tries to live up to that standard. She bypasses the praise and uses it as fuel to be as accommodating as possible. She is a textbook people pleaser. This leaves her feeling in debt to everyone that 'befriends' her.

I say 'befriend' because Tifa herself believes the mask of perfection she wears is who they really like--not Tifa herself. She feels she owes others the blind faith they put in her. In a way similar to Cloud, she's split in two.

There is the light-hearted, happy, accommodating, humble Tifa on the surface. But underneath, there is insecurity, anxiety, and a struggle with imposter syndrome. Still, whether on the surface or deep down, Tifa is always truly selfless, playful, and empathetic. The funny thing is, she doesn't seem to understand that these are what make her special.

She preempts her tears in front of Cloud in Remake by stating that she knows they're a waste of time. Even before Cloud has said a word, she doesn't want to burden him with her weakness--he is not owed "weak" Tifa and she has to apologize for it.

But then Cloud disagrees, and provides space for her to grieve. And that's why I think she is attached to Cloud.

Yes, he is a mystery that needs to be unraveled, and he's from home, and their promise etc. but Tifa can be imperfect in front of Cloud and not be punished for it. In fact, even within Avalanche, Tifa feels like the odd person out.

She is close to her team and trusts them, but blowing up the reactors in Remake causes her to feel emotionally weak and less like a team player. It is only when she's forced to take someone else's place that she can be allowed on another bombing mission.

In Remake, she openly cries in front of Barret after the plate drops. She mourns Jessie, and the others too. But those are 'acceptable' tears. Now, I'm not saying Tifa's cognitively saying "yes, I can now cry" but in a way, she can allow herself to be weak around more than just Cloud when she's grieving because it's not a weakness to care for the lives of others. Tifa unconsciously knows she will not be rejected for being openly upset about sector 7 because it is a shared grief with the rest of the sector.

Sure, Tifa can explain her hesitation to Avalanche about the bombings and be upset about it, but Cloud is the only one who doesn't pass judgement on her emotions. Barret and the others obviously still care for Tifa and value her, but her grey-area hesitation is not going to assist them in achieving their goal which is very black and white.

Tifa is excellent at picking up the nuances of the environment and people around her. She is the first to mention that there are average everyday people working for Shinra. And that nothing is as simple as Avalanche wants it to be.

This tact and empathy is how she leads Cloud out of his own trauma-induced personality rewrite. She doesn't blast her way through like a Barret would, and she doesn't pass judgement on Cloud like so many others have done to her. She simply sits with Cloud, gently guiding him until he can find who he is in his own time.

But there is fear about speaking up. Tifa doesn't want to break Cloud or shatter him. She is afraid that this one person who she can finally be imperfect around will go away, leaving that mask of perfection on permanently.

Cloud is the only person she is both selfless and selfish about. Cloud can handle and cares to see who Tifa is beyond what she projects. He uses their promise as a lifeline back to the person he thinks he is and wants to be. He wants to be a hero. But Tifa doesn't need one. Not in the traditional sense.

She is physically strong, loyal, and tactful. She doesn't hesitate to help othersand doesn't run away from righting wrongs. But sure, maybe back in Nibelheim pre-psycho-sepho she wanted a knight in shining armor. She asks Cloud to save her. But I think a part of this promise is a way to link Cloud to her. She wants to be safe from harm, yes. But to her, a hero is someone who sees her beyond what she can give. She wants someone who wants to know the true her. Someone who doesn't punish her for her kindness, nor abuse her empathy simply because they feel they are "owed".

Cloud is the only person Tifa actively puts in debt to her. She is always doing for others, but Cloud is the only person where she can both give and receive help without squirming.

After Tifa wakes up from being in the Weapon's materia stomach, she tells Cloud it's time for her to save him. This is an even promise. The proposal scene from Fullmetal Alchemist comes to mind. "I'll give you half of my life if you give me half of yours." We can save each other. We can support each other. We can be weak in front of each other which will only make us stronger.

As this is rapidly approaching a Cloti post, I want to circumvent shipping talk (even though yeah, I am a major Cloti shipper). I want to discuss Tifa and Aerith's relationship.

When the jealous non-girlfriend of Johnny's chews Tifa out in Rebirth at Costa Del Sol, Tifa simply tells Aerith she's used to being treated that way. This can be interpreted as Tifa simply not having many girl friends to lean on. She looked up to Jessie for being confident and she cares for Marlene like an Aunt, but for the most part, Tifa can be made into the villain of someone else's story simply for her looks and kindness.

Aerith's friendship is a boon. She actively stands up for Tifa. They joke around and laugh. They have what I would call "sleepover talk" about boys and Cloud. Aerith trusts Tifa with the truth about Zack just as Tifa tells Aerith that Cloud was never in Nibelheim (to her knowledge). Aerith is the first girl friend she can rely on and not be in competition with. Which is ironic since the fandom loves to pit them against each other for the title of "best jrpg waifu"....

Aerith is an ancient for chrissake! She is cute and bubbly and sassy. Tifa could very easily be intimidated by Aerith for being more honest and blunt about the things she wants and needs, but she isn't. She's inspired. Just like Cloud, Aerith allows Tifa to be insecure, but unlike Cloud, Aerith is able to be more vocal about it to Tifa's face. If Cloud is a man of action when it comes to showing Tifa he cares about her, then Aerith is the woman of words.

When we (presumably) lose Aerith at the end of Rebirth, Tifa reverts back to her shell. Her confidant/sister/best friend is gone. Her childhood friend/love interest/hero has not only lost his footing on reality, he is actively descending further and further away from it.

What is left for Tifa? She's gotten a taste of what it's like to be imperfect and cared for in spite of/because of that. And now she can't hide as well as she used to. Cloud tells Barret he can handle the heavy load (whether he knows that Barret is referring to Aerith's death is another post entirely), but Tifa knows he can't. She is more alone than ever now.

So what will Reunion bring? I hope to see Tifa take a more active role in her story. I know that in the OG she isn't as take charge as players wanted her to be, and I can understand that frustration. I just hope now, that with all this amazing character building, we see it come to a head. That we see Tifa accept her imperfections with grace and leadership.

[hellogoodbyeitsme]

My theory about Furina is that the girl we know is simply a meka/puppet expertly made to look like the real Furina (we know this is possible with Ei, she has two puppets in her likeness), and the reason Neuvillette HAS to be around her at all times is because she isn't allowed to talk about highly secret topics, unlike the real Furina, down under the opera house, under the Oratrice, powering her Gnosis with the people's belief (in Justice, of which she is the archon). I believe she must be holed up there, possibly buried in research, likely trying to solve the primordial sea crisis without alerting the research institute, and I believe that she was the one who called out to Lyney when he performed his trick.

Neuvillette, as the dragon bound to the hydro archon (I HATE when they throw away these tiny lines that reveal insane lore, like how Celestia stole the dragons' power to give to the archons, which I now believe to be what is stored within the Gnoses. This also informs my idea on what the Tsaritsa is planning, but that's another theory haha) is faithfully taking care of this Meka-Furina and covering for her weaknesses. When she doesn't have clearance to speak on a matter, Neuvillete steps in. When a matter has no bearing on her true, secret work, she is free to act as she wishes (though she does still have a sort-of retainer in Chlorinde, who seems to know plenty more than she lets on). He attends important meetings at her side and rules over the court, responding to the oratrice, in order to keep up appearances while the true archon is trying to solve the crisis. And perhaps, the supposed real Furina is the one calling the oratrice's judgements, instead of it being The People; and when she noticed something off about Childe, she overruled the guiltless charge.

I can't explain the "curse" thing, perhaps it's just tied to the oratrice or the primordial sea, I have yet to know enough about her to figure out the curse's nature, but I think my theory covers a lot of ground otherwise. A meka created only to be a figurehead doesn't need to have any power within it, and as we've seen with Raiden, puppets are capable of having their own personality. In the past I considered Raiden's personality to be the "robot is emotionally cold" trope, but now I think Raiden was created to be strict and unbending on purpose by a grieving woman, as such traits would make her a perfect ruler in the absence of the real one - which also makes her reaction to Wanderer's gentleness make more sense. Rather than "omg why is he crying?? Sweet boy be free! Rip!" it paints a "you and I were not built for this painful world, and I don't wish to hurt a being that feels so softly" painting. That was a tangent, but in any case, The Wanderer, another puppet, also has a unique personality. We know him well, and that he even has his own desires and goals. The Katherines are also unique, even if they have a much lower level of consciousness (?). So why shouldn't a Meka Furina have such a unique, at-odds-with-itself personality, a true facade inside and out?

I had more I wanted to say about this theory but I've suddenly forgotten because I'm SLEEPY thank you for reading I love you goodnight

[poppletonink]

FILM REVIEW: Red, White and Royal Blue

★★★★★ - 5 stars

"You need to figure out if you feel forever about him. Do you love him?"

The so-called "Cake Gate" was an accident - I mean, nobody would choose to have a £75,000 cake fall on top of you and your worst enemy. Alex Claremont-Diaz didn't mean to create an international scandal, but it doesn't mean he didn't do it. Now, his mother, the President of the United States needs him to do some damage control in order to not mess up her opportunity of winning the next election. Except, Alex Claremont-Diaz cannot stand Prince Henry and now he has to pretend they're best friends. Yet as Alex and Henry spend more time together, they realise that their hatred towards each other is completely unprecedented and quickly find themselves hurtling into a secret relationship with each other. As the election draws closer, Alex realises that he feels something more for Henry. Alex realises that he is in love with him. The question is what is worth the sacrifice? Is he willing to potentially upend two nations and ruin his mother's campaign? Is true love really worth it?

Red, White and Royal Blue seems like some sort of whacky, wild fan fiction in summary - it's a royal au, follows the enemies to lovers trope and very much so idiots in love. Despite the AO3 tags it perfectly fits into, Red, White and Royal Blue is so much more than it seems. It's a beautiful love story, a tale of hurt, heartbreak and comfort, that emotionally hits the viewer in ways you aren't expecting.

As someone who read the book a long time before the film was even conceptualised, (and as it's one of my favourite books of all time) my standards for how great this film needed to be were extremely - and I mean extremely - high. Despite leaving out bits from the book, which as sad as it may be is understandable due to time constraints, it still hit me just as viscerally as the book. Somehow even though some of the largest plot points (e.g. Bea's cocaine addiction) and most important characters (June Claremont-Diaz who I adore so very much) were missing, it still remained really accurate to the book. That sounds really contradictory, I know, but it was genuinely amazing how many lines they kept word for word from the original novel. It's something that I truly appreciate about recent book to screen adaptations, and I loved the fact that I could notice every time that it happened.

Nick and Taylor's chemistry was off the charts, which is something that seemingly came out of left field for a lot of people, but quite genuinely made the perfect Alex and Henry. They perfectly performed the witty banter, the yearning looks and the complete and utter disdain they have for each other at times. They made Alex Claremont-Diaz and Henry Fox Mountchristen Windsor real and by doing that they too made history.

Music played quite a large role in this film from the beginning until the end. I think the greatest song choice was undoubtedly Katarina Stratford's anthem. Bad Reputation was a brilliant choice for the theme song - it's such a perfect representation of Alex as a person, of him not caring what other people think and simply doing what he wants to do. It was also great to see Henry's karaoke performance of Don't Stop Me Now by Queen on the screen, and Henry and Alex dancing in the V&A was quite frankly beautiful.

Overall, Red, White and Royal Blue is a must-watch film of 2023. It's raw and emotional; it's a master class in romance; and it's extremely funny. It's a story that will make history.

[bbnibini]

I saw your tags in the Solomon post about his pact with Asmodeus tbh I agree with you maybe because I played the old game and know how cruel demons were shown at the start before they started overhauling the dialogue.

It wasn't until the brothers realized MC is related to Lilith so they started becoming nicer too. I just think it's unfair to put these characters in a box and expect them to act consistently that's called caricature not characterization but hey it's just my opinion.

Hi there! Solomon seems to be even more of a polarising character than Belphie was even if the latter committed an actual murder while the former hadn't done anything as severe (for now...jk lol).

Joking aside, it's completely valid to like and dislike a character. And I can totally see your point. I guess your opinion on Solomon changes depending on how long you had known him or how far you are in the story. Sometimes it doesn't even have a reason at all and that's valid too. It always amazes me how we interpet scenes so differently. Like for example, the current lesson (lesson 17).

In my eyes, the vulnerability he had shown in the bar/tavern was NOT intended. He had even insisted numerous times that we should forget everything that he said. That it was shameful he had even reacted that way. That he was being emotional. He was not in his right mind and it's shameful and disgusting and he should have never acted like that. This is the same man who said that he couldn't stand the thought of being hated by MC, so I think he must have reacted so strongly because this is a rare chance we see him at his weakest point: his true self. Being out in the open to someone who he wants to be loved by so badly TERRIFIES HIM. A lot of unexplored self-loathing in this man that's for sure. He even said you can call him insane because emotions had never been a factor in his decision making process. He's usually very emotionally intelligent and composed but your involvement. Your existence is beginning to shake his values. Because in the end, that air of confidence. Superiority. Magical prowess are years of building up defences against others from SEEING THE REAL HIM. I really like how the person I RB'd the blog from worded it. He's trying, but he's not perfect. He's human. He's hurt but in the cruel world he lived in all his life, he only had himself to rely on.

And there's something tragically poetic about that. Could his desire to make a pact with Lucifer be because he sees Lucifer as a "what-if" version of himself that had fallen from grace WITH people who loved him and believed in him? That if he gains Lucifer's trust, he would also be healing a part of himself who never had the chance nor the privilege to connect with others? If you recall in one of his SSR cards (the Comiket one forgot the name), the Lord of Corruption is his favourite character (possibly because he relates to the Lord of Corruption the most?), and it's been shown in the game a few times how he and Lucifer are comparable to each other (the Cyber event, TSL quiz battle, etc).

He seems to really be clinging into his humanity despite being isolated and even scorned by humanity itself at some point. Is it a saviour complex? Survivor's guilt? Either way, Solomon had been through a lot and he didn't seem to have a reliable guardian to rely on which is why he was acting like that. A stark contrast to how he and Diavolo were treated by Barbatos when his role in their lives had obvious parallels.

That's what's bothering me too. If Barbatos made Solomon "the way he is", then why is he so hostile towards him compared to the guilt and subservience he exhibits with Diavolo? Is it because like Asmodeus, he was also tricked into a pact(highly doubt this tbh unless that's actually the reason for Barbatos' deep disdain towards him? Because he had once treated Solomon with trust and compassion until it had been broken at some point)? Or could it be something deeper than that? A blight to the Fountain of Knowledge? Some forbidden boundaries that Solomon had crossed?

In my case, I have a considerable amount of background knowledge on him based on his "real life counterpart" before Solmare retconned it :'), and it has guided me surprisingly well (almost too well) in understanding him. King Solomon in the Bible had many enemies. But he is also kind and wise and benevolent and fickle and lustful and scheming. Loved by his people. Even given a blessed name by God. He had 700 wives and 300 concubines. He was a player, a fool in love, but for some reason, despite it all only had one named heir and had only one official wife, and when his actual heir had even taken over the throne, the United Kingdom of Israel was close to collapsing...which is weird because he's supposed to be wise and discerning. He could have totally predicted that from happening by defying God's word but kept on building pagan temples and marrying foreign wives anyway (despite how seemingly loyal he is to Naamah??). It's almost as if he wanted it to fall.

Sorry if I rambled too much lol. For me personally I don't really care if you like him or not. I think it's good they're trying to flesh him out although I have very very mixed feelings about them abandoning what they already worked on for his character in the OG. I do want Solmare to at least give us an option to side with him by our own terms. Not as blindly as the limited options they sometimes offer. (Ex. Okay, I'm on your side but can we please deal with this with more heart and consideration? AND HUMAN DECENCY? Not everyone is out there to get you and not all demonic transactions have to be heartless and calculating. Do you want a hug? :( )

EDIT: Idk why people are still liking this but tl;dr - Solomon was morally grey in the original source/Biblical King Solomon already so him being morally grey here should be no surprise. The entire cast is morally grey (except Luke probably). They're demons. You can hate on a character, but you should not bring it to an extent where you're already hurting a real live person for differing opinions.

[pb-dot]

Film Friday: Inception

Today I'm writing about a movie that's a bit outside of my regular wheelhouse. Inception is not my favorite movie, it probably doesn't even get on the Top 10 shortlist if I'm honest, but it's probably one of my favorite movies ever to think about for a couple of reasons that I suspect are a bit unusual. This is all to say I'm going to go a bit deeper into Film Nerd mode than usual for this one. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry. Inception spoilers beneath the cut.

So, to start off, I'm not particularly fond of Nolan as a filmmaker. He's extremely gifted on the technical side of filmmaking for sure, and his authorial voice is very strong. That said, his oeuvre seems entirely too cold and clinical to me. Sharp suits, sharp men, complex plans that pivot on perfect twists, near-realistic aesthetics. If there are any emotions involved it's what's ruining everybody's shit. Sometimes, Batman is there. You know, the whole bag.

Nolan makes complex clockwork movies that frequently fuck with time in an interesting way, but there's an emotional distance, or perhaps I should say "distance from emotion" to the whole thing which makes very few of them stick in any meaningful way. For example: I remember Dunkirk being a technically impressive movie that did some spicy things what narrative pacing is considered, but I couldn't tell you a single thing about who it was about, or even what those spicy narrative decisions were in service of.

There is, however, one notable exception. In his 2010 movie Inception, Nolan assembles one of, if not the most complex mechanism yet, and somehow it manages to be his most emotionally honest film. It's quite the impressive magic trick, and I would argue he achieves it by reaching a level of emotional honesty that one seldom sees from mainstream filmmakers.

Inception is a film about a crew of exceptional thieves specializing in cracking the final vault, the human mind. Using technology that lets them enter the dreams of their targets, they seek to extract company secrets, classified intel, and other pieces of knowledge that can most easily be hidden in memory. However, their troubled leader Cobb finds himself compelled to attempt a job thought impossible, Inception. Their mission is to plant in the mind of energy company heir Robert Fischer the idea of breaking up his company through a dream heist. This heist is complicated not only by the sheer deftness the crew must show in planting an idea without leaving any trace, but also by Cobb's own psychological scars that threaten to destabilize the carefully planned multi-level heist.

The first level I want to look at here is the central metaphor of the Mind Heist gang being analogous to a filmmaking crew. They're all creative and immensely focused people coming together under the direction of a man with a vision, Cobb. This description is perhaps a bit over-general, but what elevates the Filmmaking-as-heist idea to me is how the heists in Inception are specifically about creating a narrative. It is especially important with the main heist as creating a narrative in the head of the target is part and parcel of the inception, but even in the other heist we get to see, setting up a narrative is pivotal to stealing the information they're looking for.

As an aside, this narrative-making and the need for realism that comes with it also justifies what I consider to be my main sticking point with the film, in that the dreams are so very true to life and low-tech, while dreams in my experience tend to be strange, surreal and malleable experiences. This explains at least from the Watsonian perspective. From a Doylist point of view, it's more likely because Nolan is most comfortable with a near-realistic style of narrative, and this strict adherence to something approaching the realitylike makes his complex drama puzzleboxes easier to follow.

So, the heist crew are, essentially, filmmakers, which would, at least in today's Western film tradition, would make Cobb the director. In much the same way as Roy Neary in Close Encounters Of The Third Kind can be read as a stand-in for director Steven Spielberg, Cobb functions as our Nolan stand-in for Inception. Cobb is, however, far from a blank slate, or frankly a particularly idolized self. He is, in short, a mess.

After going deeper into the world of dreaming than anyone before him, Cobb has crossed some ethical Rubicons, especially when attempting to deal with his now-dead wife Mal and her reluctance to leave the world of dreaming. After performing the first-ever inception to plant the idea in Mal's head that the dream world is, indeed, not the real world, Cobb finds himself constantly troubled by anxiety as to whether he's asleep or awake. Whether this is a direct consequence or reaction to the act of inception, paranoia stemming from such a perspective-shifting thing even being possible, a manifestation of the guilt he feels over Mal's return to the waking world ending with her suicide, or even a sign that Mal did some incepting of her own, is something we can only speculate on.

Regardless of what exactly is eating Cobb, it manifests in his work. The heist crew frequently finds their efforts frustrated by incursions from Cobb's mind. The most common of these is Mal, or at least Cobb's mental recreation of her, throwing a wrench in their plans, and, in one particularly memorable case, a freight train running through an area a freight train really has no business being. Cobb tries to minimize the risk of this by not taking point and not being too directly involved, but this does little to dissuade his cocktail of trauma and troubled emotions from coming damn close to upending the entire thing.

The heist, however, does succeed. Through a series of bluffs and maneuvers, they manage to navigate Fischer Jr. to what he believes to be the deepest corner of his mind, where lies the comprehension, represented by a deathbed conversation with the man. Through this, Fischer realizes his recently departed father wishes for Robert to break up the energy conglomerate Fischer Sr. built, and instead make something for himself. It's a scene of high drama, and no small amount of catharsis as the troubled Robert realizes his father was never disappointed in him, and merely wanted his boy to be the best version of himself he could be. It's quite stirring stuff.

It is, however, a lie. This isn't Fischer Sr. revealing himself to be a caring father with trouble communicating the same, hell, it isn't even Robert's interpretation of the man. It is a scenario set up by the dream heist team with the express intention of making the dreaming Fischer Jr. believe this was his unconscious mind telling him to break up his energy conglomerate. It isn't Fischer Sr., not even as an imperfect mental construct by Fischer Jr., it's a construction of the heist crew. It's an act of manipulation, a triumphant act of manipulation, yes, but an act of manipulation all the same.

And still, even upon rewatching the movie with this knowledge well in hand, it's hard to not be swept along by the sheer force of emotion in that moment. Part of it is because it feels so necessary for the character. Fischer Jr. isn't just a target in the context of the scene, he's a troubled man with a complicated relationship to his father. He needs to settle his self-doubt and dismay with the stern and aloof parent he grew up with, and after his death, he still needs the catharsis. So in a way, it doesn't matter much that Fischer Sr. isn't the real deal, Fischer Jr. knows he's in a dream at this point, hell, it maybe doesn't even matter if the dream construct isn't his own. Perhaps what the dream-construct father says is what the wayward son needs to hear, although it'll certainly change the energy market in some pretty dramatic ways. Perhaps, or perhaps Cobb has become such a skilled manipulator his reach extends to the audience, but returning to our metaphor of Cobb as a Nolan stand-in, what is filmmaking if not manipulating and eliciting emotional reactions?

To further reinforce the point that this cathartic, but fake, heart-to-heart isn't the climax of the story, Cobb's journey isn't done. In the process of doing something thought impossible for the second time, Cobb is forced to do something impossible yet again, parallel to Fischer's revelation. This time, it is to dive deeper into the layered dreaming still in pursuit of his exit strategy, to the unconscious, chaotic under-realm of Limbo, from which there is no waking. This was from whence he managed to rescue himself and Mal back after the first inception, and although it is far from pleasant, he yet again manages to pull through and emerge from the dream.

Or does he? The movie does play with the possibility that the reality that Cobb emerges into is merely another dream in Limbo. It could be because of this the cinematography gets somewhat less focused as the heist concludes and Cobb finds his highest wish fulfilled, exoneration both in the eyes of the law and himself from any wrongdoing in Mal's death and the opportunity to return to his children.

Now, before I bring this all home, I feel I should speak briefly on Totems in Inception. The Totem is a series of different objects made by the various members of the heist crew. These items, Cobb's is a spinning top, are modified by each individual member and is only to be handled by them. The logic here is that these items are supposed to be a way to check whether you're in somebody else's dream, as you can check the object and how it interacts with the world to verify that it's doing what it's supposed to do, the weighted die falls to the number it's supposed to, the spinning top spins out and tips over like you'd expect it to. Throughout the movie, Cobb has a spinning top he checks regularly, some would say with obsessively, only feeling fully safe once the top tips over.

This is all to explain the lead-up to the final moment of the movie. Cobb, true to his habit, spins his top before meeting his children. He does, however, not wait for it to tip over, and instead goes to meet his children. The camera remains on the top, and moments before it becomes clear whether the top will fall over or continue, the movie cuts to credits.

Many have taken this as a challenge of sorts, a call to action to analyze the logic and events of the movie for signs. Is this a movie about a man succeeding or about a man succumbing? Is what we see in the closing minutes of the movie real, or is it a comfortable lie Limbo has formed around Cobb like it once did around him and Mal?

Personally, I say it does not matter. The story of Cobb ends with him leaving behind his totem for a reason. He has rid himself of the fear that has plagued him since emerging from Limbo and Mal's death. What if it was Mal who was right, and the quote-unquote real world was nothing more than a particularly elaborate Limbo dream. What if he never incepted anything, what if he's still dreaming within dreaming, stuck in a holding pattern until the impossibly long dream ends, his mind rent asunder by experiencing more time and place than a human mind is meant to bear. What if the top never stops spinning?

As my sequence of retelling might imply, I believe it was experiencing the inception scene with Fischer that helped Cobb clear the final hurdle and face his fears. Even if what Fischer experienced wasn't real, it had a powerful, arguably positive effect on the man. It gave him something he'd never get in the real world, closure. It wasn't real, but it was real enough.

So that is, I believe, what we're meant to take from that spinning top. The point isn't whether the top has stopped spinning or not, but rather that Cobb has stopped checking. Spin or not, Cobb's journey is not real. It's a movie, told by a crew of talented creatives, guided by a man with a vision and the willingness to show us things that aren't real to give us catharsis, show us wonder and terror, entertain us, and perhaps, give us some closure. "Try not to dwell on it," the movie says, as if aware of the deluge of movie buffs and wannabe theorists that would descend on this movie like they do on every movie with their red circles and reading metaphors as mechanics, "Even if it's fake, it's Real Enough."

[namazunomegami]

https://www.tumblr.com/namazunomegami/743681457401233408/httpswwwtumblrcomnamazunomegami7436597783840?source=share

you flatter me too much. I love this particular way of writing a yandere (of sorts) Geto because there’s so much to explore when it comes to him. It also makes me wonder about the type of yandere Gojo would be, if we’re looking at his personality through how he is portrayed in canon. From most fanfiction depictions of Gojo, people seem to think of him as some fun loving goofy guy who is secretly really sad and to be fair… they’re not exactly wrong. I just think that Gojo can’t be reduced to just that. In my opinion, Gojo is probably quite cold. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ll try. It’s literally fact that Gojo is the strongest. The honoured one. Whatever you wanna call it. But it’s literally only him. Yes, both him and Geto called themselves “the strongest”, but Geto was clearly outclassed by Gojo in their later years, especially with Geto mentally deteriorating due to all the misery of being in the jujutsu world. Gojo is, in every sense of the word, alone. Untouchable. Raised to be the best of the best. So it’s pretty much canon that Gojo isn’t really showcasing his true or full personality in front of everyone else, and I suppose that’s why people think he just mopes around around depressed about his life, which is a fair assumption. But I think he probably would seem very cold and detached because he is literally different from EVERYONE. Even on a physical level, he’s completely different from everyone. 1. He’s almost fucking perfect. Looks and sounds fucking perfect. 2. He literally sees EVERYTHING. He doesn’t even SEE the same as how everyone else sees. Gege says that Gojo’s sight is like looking through a high definition thermal camera. THATS FUCKING WEIRD.

He doesn’t even need to sleep. It’s said that he’s constantly running Reverse Curse Technique to keep his brain fresh and from frying, so technically, he doesn’t even NEED to sleep.

What I’m trying to say is, Gojo is quite literally different from everyone else in this world. So I’d assume that he doesn’t know or personally understand the typical human or sorcerer experience. We can see this with how he invaded everyone’s personal space. He looks at humans the way humans look at ants. Like things to be examined.

So I think that all of this would make him quite a cold person, because he’s literally not relatable to anyone. The one person he thought was relatable went crazy and started a cult, so….

[I also think he’s aware of how unrelatable he is and how unsettling his very existence is, so he acts all goofy and annoying to appear more palatable and less flawless to people because if he was to act otherwise, how would people act towards him? Scared? Worship him, maybe?

I could also get into how being so different from everyone probably affects how he experiences emotions and how he probably doesn’t experience emotions the exact same way that everyone else does, but this is really long already.]

So I say all of this to say… what type of person would this God like being, the Honoured One, be obsessed over? What type of individual would catch this man’s eye and what exactly made them stand out from everyone else?

I think it would have to be someone who could make him feel something emotionally intense. I think out of everything, what Gojo really wants is to feel SOMETHING. Which is ironic because with his 24/7 infinity on, he can’t really feel anything physically lol. But yeah, I think he’s desperate for stimulation. He eats sweets a lot because they stimulate his brain for example.

Like imagine being able to do and have EVERYTHING. That must be so boring!!! Yeah, I think he wants to feel something.

You mentioned MBTI in your analysis of Geto, which is very interesting. what MBTI type are you? I’m an INTP. Enneagram 5w4. I don’t know any of that means lol. I wonder what MBTI Gojo is and how that might play out into him being obsessed over someone and how he’d treat them.

Basically Gojo reminds me of porcelain or diamond or marble. Flawless. Or… almost flawless.

Don’t get me wrong, Gojo definitely has flaws and isn’t fully perfect, but I think the fandom attempts to make him more of a lover boy than he probably is lol. I don’t have a problem with it because it’s fucking fanon lol, do what you want with whatever character, but I just love exploring different perspectives of characters and I think the fandom (that participates in fanfiction), like most fandoms, has a tendency to reduce characters to one aspect of themselves, and in Gojo’s case, he’s constantly reduced to his short lived and possibly homo erotic friendship with Geto and I’m just trying to look at him from a different angle, I guess.

Like think about it! Gege says Gojo chooses to be single and I think it’s because nobody makes him feel. Feel what? I’m not exactly sure. A rush, probably.

Geto made him feel that because for a while, Geto was the one relatable person to him. Toji made him feel that, because Toji is also relatable to Gojo (in the sense that Toji, like Geto and Gojo, is an outlier. Not meant to be as strong or powerful as he is, but somehow he exists). I mean, Toji KILLED him. I don’t think even Gojo knew he could be killed lol.

TL:DR- Gojo is bored and cold and detached and needs to feel something and I think that if he was a yandere, he would obsess over someone who would make him feel that something.

I will stop yapping here. Actually, I won’t.

I emphasise that Gojo is not perfect, but is ALMOST perfect. He has flaws, but flaws can be disguised as perfections or hidden. I mean, if Gojo was perfect, he wouldn’t be able to be killed by Toji, Riko would be alive, and he wouldn’t be sealed, and he wouldn’t have died (I’m holding out hope that he’ll be back lol), etc. One major flaw is that he’s not omnipotent or omnipresent and it’s showcased many times in the manga. I could talk more but let me ACTUALLY stop yapping here lol.

I’m so sorry.

Holy molly what a delight to wake up seeing such a long ask in my inbox!

I wholeheartedly agree with you on that the fandom tend to reduce Gojo to a silly-goofy guy with a heart of gold and there's nothing wrong with people sandboxing with their faves. He's your blorbo, your squeeky dog toy lmao.

I can recommend @/sukunasun's Gojo fics, I think they characterize him really well!

I must admit that Gojo as a character is almost impossible for me to write. Especially with my writing techniques that's just like... method acting but in fiction lol. I want to give it a try in my gothic au where he's kinda like a minor villain and I plan to showcase certain elements of gothic horror through his character.

And Gojo as a yandere oml... I believe that many jjk characters have the potential to be yandere but Gojo would be literally the worst. He wouldn't just isolate you, he would be capable of to kill anyone important to you, he would endanger you so you'd rely on him. If I remember correctly, @/saintshigaraki once reblogged a long yan!gojo fic in which he literally brought a curse to reader's house so he can save them.

Well, it's time for my own thoughts:

I think Gojo struggles a lot with empathy. If not completely devoid of the skill to recognize other people's perspective. Like... it's literally canon that he ignored Shoko, he made Geto's defection his own personal trauma. And I know that it's gonna be a very bold statement, but I think that he was a shitty best friend when Geto started spiralling after the Star Plasma incident. Idk... if my bestie is showing signs of being mentally unwell, I'd do literally anything to help, nobody can stop me.

Once, just for fun I checked some DSM-V criteria and tbh... Gojo meets diagnostic criteria for several Cluster B personality disorders. Namely Narcissistic Personality Disorder, some for Histrionic Personality Disorder and even Antisocial Personality Disorder.

These disorders kinda encapsulates his character for me: his relationships are superficial, he likes being the center of attention, he struggles with empathy, not afraid to endanger himself or others and his insecurities are hidden beneath a grandiose sense of self-worth.

Just being professional here, but I'm not bringing this up for the sake of bashing his character. Real people, who are diagnosed with these disorders are not inherently bad and they deserve the same love and respect as anyone else!

Okay, back to the MBTI: I'm an INFJ (introverted intuition, extroverted feeling, introverted thinking and extroverted sensing), I didn't take the tests, I just simply analyzed Jung's cognitive functions because they're much more empiric and reliable. But being INFJ kinda explains why I'm drawn to characters who are Ni, Ne or Te, Ti dominant. Geto for example is Ni dominant, just like I am.

Gojo is an ENTP, my fave type tbh. Like... around 2/3 of my fictional crushes have this type, it's concerning lmao.

When I got into the Hellaverse I literally started crushing on not one but THREE ENTPs lmao.

So... Gojo's cognitive functions are extroverted intuition, introverted thinking, extroverted feeling and introverted sensing. Literally the polar opposite of Geto's functions.

While Geto's introverted intuition is a future oriented function, extroverted intuition is present oriented, focusing on ideas and "what if" scenarios instead of patterns.

Ne dominant people are all about ideas, they're dreamers, envisioning many possibilities. If you present an interesting topic or thought to them, they're gonna play with it until they get bored and need something new (Ni on the other hand will find a topic that they like and analyze it from different angles). While Ne is like brainstorming, hopping from one interesting concept to another, Ni is about the execution of these ideas.

Because intuition is their dominant information processing function, think about them like this:

Ni is like a connect the dots game. They see patterns and predict outcomes based on probability. Ne detects patterns in their environment and they predict implications and intentions like search engines do.

Introverted thinking, compared to Geto's extroverted one is much more theoretical, analytic and deductive. Introverted functions are subjective, they need an inner system that are alligned with their values before they even activate. Ti users will grab facts and proofs and put them in boxes in a way that it fits their own bias.

While Te users accept statements and opinions if they have significant proof, Ti is all about "is this logical? give me a minute, let me think about it"

SHITTY EXAMPLE:

2x2=4

Te: yeah, that tracks, it's basic knowledge. Let me think about a conclusion.

Ti: okay, that tracks, but why? I want to see the process. By adding 2 to 2 really makes 4?

An unhealthy Ti overthinks and overcomplicates things while an unhealthy Te oversimplifies.

Extroverted feeling is an objective function and they use empathy in this way too. Not in a "i know what you're feeling" way but more like a "i'll try imagining what you're going through" type of empathy. It's group oriented instead of the individual oriented Fi. And extroverted feelers express their emotions much more easily, they're approachable, they like harmony within a group and would supress their thoughts and values if it would disturb that said harmony. An unhealthy Fe is a people pleaser, a martyr, who'd sacrifice themselves for others while unhealthy Fi is about self-preservation and self-suitability and they're heavily biased.

I forgot to add sensing in my previous answer because I thought that as the least active function it has no importance but the difference is this: extroverted sensors live in the moment, they react quickly to any minor change in their environment because they're highly attuned with it, while introverted sensors are all about past experiences. They learn from their mistakes, they're perceptive, they're capable of remembering minor details about you.

ENTPs have that ongoing stereotype that they have a good sense of humor, they communicate well and you don't want to pick a bone with them because they'll roast the fuck out of you.

As a yandere, I think ENTPs would brainstorm about how they want to get closer to you and later arrange different scenarios to grab your attention. They could be very attuned to your feelings so they wouldn't want to see you hurt. They would try to cheer you up, confuse you with comfort if you're defiant. But if you're fighting back like... in a vicious way, they would argue with you. They'd use their eloquence to make you question yourself, they'd use any opportunity to undermine you because they already figured you out.

I think that's all, you're literally spitting facts what can I add?

[pricetobepaid]

(Dug this out from a blog I had a very long time ago lol. But I think what I wrote still stands).

When we are first introduced to Tom JK Rowling presents a textbook image of a charismatic psychopath. One of the most prominent symptoms of this personality disorder is ‘shallow emotions’, someone who can imitate but never truly feel. While Tom presents the persona Voldemort as cold and calculative we must remember that Voldemort is not an actual person. He is a mask that Tom created at a very young age, and thus has had decades to perfect. However, despite his best efforts Tom Riddle

is not

Lord Voldemort. Although, Voldemort is a mask, Tom has convinced himself that he is Lord Voldemort. This means that while they may inhabit the same body, and technically be the same person, they will not share many of the same emotional responses.

Lord Voldemort is:

emotionally detached

a pure-blood

inhuman in both personality and appearance.

able to recognize his own mistakes

stable and controlled in every sense.

above all immortal

It’s in the instances when Voldemort is most present that death becomes a mere tool. His mindset towards those would be “it’s nothing personal, just good business.” An example of this would be when he killed Snape because of the elder wand. Up to that point he  had no idea that Snape had been a double agent. He killed him because he wanted the elder wand and the other was in the way. Similar to many charismatic dictators, Tom Riddle immersed himself in Voldemort so complete as to detach himself from his true persona, the one he hated so thoroughly that he tried to recreate himself. However, despite his desperation to eradicate any traces of Tom, he could never do so completely. Throughout the books we are shown glimpses of Tom through Harry’s own empathetic connection and the stories Dumbledore shared of Tom’s behaviors before arriving at Hogwarts. The picture we are given is that

Tom Riddle is:

emotionally unstable, often having sharp shifts in mood. Such as extreme happiness when his fellow Death Eaters are released from Azkaban.

Unforgiving, a great example would be his treatment of children at the orphanage.

general loathing for himself and everyone around him, which is exemplified in not only the creation of Voldemort but also when he eradicated the muggle portion of his family tree.

fearfulness that often exhibited itself in extreme acts such as splitting his soul into seven pieces.

impulsive decisions made based on personal feelings and distrust towards others.

a soft spot for snakes, which led him to speak to them even before his arrival at Hogwarts, and carried over into his Voldemort persona.

mortal

It was at times of deep stress that his mask would slip, and Tom’s emotions would break through, causing him murder others through fear or vengeance. We are given very little information from Voldemort’s side of the First Wizarding War, but given the fact that he chose to personally kill  James and Lilly, and Dumbledore’s comments of his distrust towards others, we can assume that these traits weren’t adopted during the Second Wizarding War, but rather amplified.

The devolution of his emotional stability seems to have begun during his time in Albania, and was only worsened by the destruction of his horcruxes. The first two books we are given the closest image of what Voldemort’s personality was like during the first war. However, as the books progressed Harry began having an increasing amount of pain, which points to Voldemort becoming increasingly unstable.

Many people who create another identity can only continue so long as their original remains stable. However, between the stresses of losing his horcruxes, Harry Potter, and conducting a war. We begin to see less of Voldemort and more of Tom Riddle.

Evidence of increased instability include:

Speaking of himself in third person

violent mood swings that lead to indiscriminate killing, most notable when he lost the Hufflepuff cup and murdered a room full of magical creatures and his own followers.

increased paranoia, such as no longer trusting Death Eaters such as Bellatrix.

increasingly self-destructive behaviors, which are most obvious during the Battle of Hogwarts where he continued his attempts on Harry Potters life even after he became mortal.

In fact, almost all of Tom’s actions at the Battle of Hogwarts completely contradict his personified character. It can be best summed up in the two most prominent examples of how far his mental state had devolved.

When Bellatrix died his reaction was compared to the explosion of a bomb, and he attempted to avenge her death.

His refusal to surrender even after he becomes mortal and no longer has an army can be seen as a form of suicide by cop, because to any other person it would have been clear that this was a lost battle. Even if he was successful in killing Harry Potter, there was no doubt that vengeance would come from every direction.

Despite his best efforts, in the end Tom achieved a state worse than death. Forever stuck in a limbo, and beyond anyone’s help.

[krs724490]

9/22/2024

its the first day of fall. my practices have been out of practice. I'm realizing that so much of my "work" has not been work. I am the spiritual bypasser of spiritual bypassers. I definitely witness my emotions and do not allow them through my body. I have been obsessed with the witness but I had no idea the way I wasn't allowing myself to express. the way I've been shaming my emotions for occurring because I don't see them as valid.

shame on me for being insecure about graham. I want to be the perfect girlfriend and my stuff gets in the way. I feel shame for not being able to be that steady, understanding presence that he is for me. and I wonder why a lot of females have insecure, anxious attachment styles... its because of society. we were conditioned to latch onto a man, I think even our systems are set up for it. no wonder we aimlessly follow their every move. the systems are failing us. I dont want my daughter to grow up thinking she is at the whim of any boy. I dont want her to bend for anyone. In fact. I hope she's lesbian lolol.

The battle is within me. I feel attached and resistant to the attachment and unaware of what to do with it. how to become more secure. how to not care. how to not feel. it all seems so counterintuitive. I must feel but not so much that I act from a place of ill intention. I must feel but I must not cling to the feeling. just enough to healthily touch without dragging it along.

its strange how I feel the urge to write when I'm out and about, as if Ill have so much to say. and now I sit here not sure what even makes sense to write. I guess it would be good to acknowledge truman. I have an attraction, physical attraction to him. and that turns into an emotional curiosity and a cognitive investment. he lent me his copy of the bhagvad gita of which I already own the exact same copy. there is a part of me that wonders if I had a partner who understood the gita, if life would be richer, if we could connect deeper. especially being with a partner who is more detached and seemingly less emotionally present. when truman offers me the gita, I wonder. when I see brian's tattoo of buddha on his shin, I wonder. but I also in a twisted way, know I was meant to have a partner who is not spiritual. to humble me in the way I think spirituality holds all power. to show me that there are other ways to be a good human that are just as right and valid. he is perfect for me.

I hate feeling like I have so much work to do. realizing how I have not felt my emotions. I have only felt a fraction of what I was meant to feel, thats heartbreaking. I cannot believe I didn't allow myself to let it out. today I am mourning every emotion that I did not allow through. every moment of silence where I felt I could not speak up. not honoring the truth of my emotions. that includes being honest with graham about my emotions no matter how ashamed of them I am. the more I cover them up the more they fester and I am so blessed that he gives me the space to air them out without holding them against me. do you know how rare that is? or it feels as if it is so. I hate how he is so open about this. its bothersome the way he handles everything perfectly. that is part of my resistance to him now.

we can also talk about the way I am settled into this routine enough to find its exhaustions and pitfalls. whenever i have a new beginning I start strong because I am hyperfocused on the potential of what I could do in my routine. and now that I am settled in I can see the ways that I am able to poke holes. the sugar comes back. the frustration comes back. it is a true cycle. it feels that a new beginning strikes a chord in me that wakes me up. a break up, a new job, a new house. and in a weird way I am able to start again. breaking up with graham would be nice because I see it as a giant energy boost to take a look at myself and reset. only this time I can't escape. this time I know I can't leave and that is also an odd feeling. odd to settle in for awhile.

the river of transitions presentation was fun for me to give. I do feel this is an area of life where I've excelled and I'm proud of myself because I followed my heart with my careers. mo asked me if I've always been this confident moving through my transitions and its so funny, I told her it doesn't feel that way. I suppose in hindsight I realize how much all of these transitions benefitted me, but while I was in them I was unsure. I guess I dont see myself as confident, but it was nice to be reflected back to in that way. I wanted to tell her if only you could see how lonely its been. If only you could see how self centered and stupid I feel for pursuing a selfish profession. If only you could see.

Lately I've really been feeling my age. I feel 26. I feel younger than the people around me who have done a lot of work on themselves. I feel naive to the realities of the world. to racism and using different pronouns and saving the planet. I dont know where I've been all these years. I needed this sort of education. this sort of wake up and its disarming, to put down who you thought you were. to feel like you dont know anything. I feel like I should be a blonde 23 year old with the sort of brain I have. I think all this neurosis is the result of waking up. of realizing where I am and how far there is to go while simultaneously realizing its all right here and will come as it does.

I pray that I am able to protect myself from my own attachment to graham and the ego that keeps me small. I am inspired by my classmates who share so honestly, openly, vulnerably, about where they're at. I dont want to raise my hand and tell everyone that I feel young and behind again. I've always been younger than everyone else and punching above my weight. but I skipped over some things. I was not meant to jump. and I dont want to try to anymore.

I probably have about 5 million attempts at a new beginning. we pause here to wipe the slate clean and acknowledge that this moment, right here right now, is the beginning of everything in your life that's to come... its actually shocking how little I practice what I preach and how much I hold the vision for others but not for myself.

fall is a time of transition and change. today is the first day off fall, 2024 and I do want to take it and run with it. its so nice to be at this point in the year and to be able to envision the rest of it. to be able to see the finish line. fall represents transition and this is perhaps the largest transition I've been through in a long time. this is adulthood. this is grad school. this is setting myself up for the rest of my life. I can feel the way that I am settling into what is. I am no longer running. I want to sit with my neurosis and allow them fully in. I want to sit with my joy and let it fully in. I want to sit with graham and not run from the work it takes to be in a relationship. I want to be in the process of naropa of what it means to be a student there. I am not looking to the next, I am right here.

today was icky. and I knew I would pick myself back up and make sense of it. I wonder how much of my food stuff is spiritual bypassing "today I did not have it in me to avoid it" that is a tough statement. I'm not sure my full relationship to it. there is a place that I can arrive where I am in my spirituality, a place that can sit with these unpleasant feelings and allow them. a place where I can make different decisions because there is space. space to feel and understand where these emotions come from. space where there is so much grace and love and connection, understanding. a place that wants to tend to the wounds. genuinely wants to show up for them. its so beautiful. Ive been there before. I'm grateful to it.

I think I can leave this here. if you journal long enough it all trickles out, everything this that needs to be addressed. I trust. I will finish with, I trust.

[moipale]

hello to all viewers im faedemon, the writer of the None Forward in question

continuing the discussion of canon endings, alternate endings, and alternate ending epilogues:

As you mentioned, I said in the tags of None Forward that my fic was for those who felt "ISAT's ending was too sweet to quite be believed," and I stand by that! And I feel like you elaborate really well here on one of the reasons I felt that way.

For me, the primary things about the canonical act 5 I couldn't bear to accept were 1: as you said, that siffrin did not actually open his mouth, and 2: the... I don't know, purity, of it?

I meant it literally when I said that it was "sweet;" the majority of In Stars and Time up to that point had been a thin veneer of comedy over a deep, teeth-grit agony, and "Power of Love" starting, combined with the too-cheesy brightness of the battle portraits that popped up, felt fake. Tooth-rottingly sweet. I assumed this would be another hallucination, because Siffrin did not ask for help and this scene was too perfect to be real. As I've said in other places, it felt like a beautiful fantasy. But a fantasy, still.

So when it did turn out to be true... I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Where was the grit? If Siffrin was not going to cave and learn his lesson and open his mouth, where was his family literally reaching forward and prying it open? The Sif boss fight is, I think, ISAT's attempt at that—the "tell us!" sequence specifically—but as an audience member the tonal dissonance between the "Power of Love" scene and this just jarred me too much to ride along with it.

(Disclaimer: This is a legitimate criticism, and it is the reason I wrote None Forward, but I don't want to make it seem like I didn't still love ISAT's ending, because I did. I loved the "Power of Love" scene and I loved the Sif boss fight despite my other thoughts, because the beautiful fantasy is beautiful still, and because it is extremely emotionally significant to me to think that, as asterythm said above, even if I am incapable of opening my mouth and asking for help, my loved ones will some way, some how, break through all barriers otherwise and see that I need help and offer it. ISAT's ending left me reeling for two days because I loved it, and because I loved it, I wanted to dissect it. Anyways...)

So, that all said, None Forward was my attempt to feed the angst demons within me AND to settle my dissatisfaction in a productive way. To know that it also settled someone else's is unspeakably flattering. shakes your hand vigorously

-

On your note about the bad ending happening but the loops still breaking—yes!! Even thinking about a tragedy, even thinking about a bad ending in which what Siffrin hoped for can never come to pass, it was never, ever a consideration for me that the loops wouldn't break. Nor did I ever seriously consider Siffrin committing suicide as a reaction to the tragedy, because neither of those options would be satisfying.

As much as I like a story that hurts, a the-time-loop-never-ends alternative just... wouldn't hurt right. That sort of utter stagnancy doesn't answer the themes and questions presented by ISAT, just perpetuates the protagonist's original problem. Not to mention that canon tells us explicitly, one way or another, the situation WILL change! Loop is proof of that! Even for a Siffrin that could not break the loops themself, they will find a way to change their circumstances!

So, yes. Of course there is a future! There must be, for better or for ill! And I love, love, love what you've done with that future in dull ache.

It all wraps back to ISAT's theme of change, honestly. Something happened and Siffrin changed, and left for a different future than any of them had hoped for. And you've given the rest of the party the gift of understanding why that change took place, and nudging them forward into the future: of chewing through that unfairness, of accepting it, and moving forward despite how much they wish it could have been different. Even if something was disappointed, if an opportunity was missed—still, time goes on. Things change. A future is there waiting. dull ache presents this truth beautifully.

on the ending of in stars and time:

an essay from someone who couldn’t sit with it at first, & a love letter to the fic that brought me here anyway. (…spoiler warning for in stars and time, naturally, but you knew that!)

if siffrin isat has taught me one thing it's that vulnerability is cool, actually, and being forthcoming and generous with love when there is love to be shared is how the coolest kids do it.

so. hello isat nation of tumblr dot com. i'm here because even after cutting out several chunks to shorten this significantly, i busted through the ao3 comment section character limit and still had more to say, so i needed somewhere to put it all that would let me go longer.

i’m pretty sure this post is for, like, three people, one of whom is me. but look, it’s been moved here to the webbed site so if you wanna read it anyway i won’t stop you!

=====

i think what it is, ultimately, is this: the ISAT canon ending was beautiful. it was an objectively well-written ending with so much love and hope and thematic satisfaction.

it also left me, for a period, with a deep and unshakeable sense of dread.

:)!!!!

now enter @faedemon's "None Forward & Two, Two, Two Steps Back" (hiya, fancy seeing you here), a two-chapter alt act 5 in which siffrin finds a New, Worse way to break the loops.

despite being, as mentioned, a notably worse outcome for everyone involved, this alt end managed to cut straight to the heart of that dread and settle it — and not in the sense of "oh, i like this alt ending better", so much as "oh, thanks to this alt ending i am finally able to sit in a place where it no longer feels like the canon ending, as a beautiful outcome which felt impossibly lucky to get, is the only outcome in which life can go on — and therefore my appreciation and ability to accept it, and the game as a whole, is elevated for it."

which!! i mean!! i don’t know that that’s exactly what you set out to do; None Forward is explicitly a tragedy!! and one, as your tags say, written because the canon ending didn't ring true for you.

but I realized that the thing that was stopping me from enjoying ISAT’s canon ending was that ugly hard core that was still so, so scared after the canon ending of every way we (that is, siffrin + i as the player moving in that incredible ludonarrative lockstep with him, holy moly the harmony in this game) had not yet grown to earn it. 

=====

(I’ll take a sec here under the cut to say that when I played ISAT, and then for much of the month that followed, my main reason for engaging with it and its related content at all was that it was a piece of media that came fervently recommended by my incredibly dear friend @iconocat , who it had massively, violently impacted and whose media recommendations in general I trust more than anything.

so i played ISAT, and it was incredible. but even though it's a piece of media that just about hit on every point on my list of Things That Set My Brain On Fire, it failed somehow to. well. set me on fire — at least to the extent I was expecting it to. I still enjoyed myself in the few weeks afterwards of running through fan content and intentionally plunging myself into media analysis, but I was never convinced that I would be engaging with ISAT to the extent I was if it wasn't for the sake of trying to intentionally hack my brain to the point where I could share with my friend something so important to her at the same level of genuine investment. 

I’m telling you all this because, legitimately the same night I posted “nothing but a dull ache” (ie, if you're not charlie faedemon and are somehow caring to read this anyway, the epilogue oneshot I started feverishly writing the morning after reading None Forward), I realized through my rambling in my friend’s discord dms that reading None Forward was the moment the fire finally caught. I spent a month burying myself in ISAT content and asking myself “Is this natural yet?”. after None Forward, the answer to that question finally became a sure, wholehearted yes.)

=====

so anyway, back to the essay.

don't get me wrong. it's really, really nice, to read a story where the moral is less “you should have asked for help", and more “there are people who will unselfishly give the gift of a love that saves even when you cannot save yourself".

but that whole ending also was only able to happen because 1. they broke in a way no one should ever have to break, and 2. everyone involved got lucky.

which, in media, happens all the time!! it is not inherently dissatisfying for a narrative to wrap by saving you with luck and love in the nick of time!! in fact it should be incredibly satisfying, after the unambiguously-negative downward spiral into Director Siffrin who had begun to learn what to say and do to make his family behave exactly the way he needs them to, for a stroke of unpredictable luck brought about by factors entirely out of his control to finally be what sets him free.

but like... I think it's because the story is set in a situation where it's no longer true that luck and randomness is a factor by which anything can change.

we're hammered over the head with it: until and unless you do something to alter the course of events, they will not be altered. when you are the only dynamic element the world is reacting to in an otherwise looping course of events, you don't get to rely, anymore, on the idea that at any moment something could happen to save you. you have to assume that nothing will happen unless you make it.

and siffrin?? siffrin's literal motto was "stick to the script"!! they spend the loops with a mouth that kept closing tighter and tighter and tighter until i got to act 5 and watched them implode. and then I’m saved, and I know I haven't earned this. I get to the end and I'm still not telling them anything!! I wasn't supposed to get the good ending!! but I get away with it anyway with open arms and acceptance and unconditional love, and it's. kind of nauseating?

how am I ever supposed to learn and grow, if I didn't manage to change my behaviour even then under the threat of Eternal Looping Torment, and still got the good ending anyway? how can I prove there was an alternative way I could have broken free if things hadn't turned out so lucky in that one terrible act 5 loop?

I can't. and that's terrifying.

(aside: I’m speaking in the first person here to emphasize that the thing that got in my way is not because I don't believe siffrin is deserving of this love — quite the opposite, I think the driving force behind the good ending is that siffrin went scorched earth and saw he was loved anyway — but because this is a game designed to frequently encourage the player to deeply feel what siffrin is feeling throughout its course and. well. as a thing to happen to a fictional character it's beautiful. as a takeaway for the player, it's... harder.)

and that's where None Forward comes in. (i’ve already written thousands of words in comments and epilogue fic declaring my love by now, but i mean. im hoping you won’t mind just a liiiittle more.)

None Forward shows a devastatingly written, all-too-believable version of what might have happened if siffrin didn't get lucky, and the loops continued, and they kept clinging to the script and refusing to Look At It and successfully stagnating and stagnating and stagnating as they were so determined to do. and it's bad, it's worse, it's way way worse — but there's no reliance on outside factors. it comes completely from within siffrin and loop, the only dynamic pieces in the world, finally breaking out.

it was the terrible, nightmarish unfairness of the loops brought to their natural, just-south-of-inevitable conclusion.

and yes, it's a terrible, unfair conclusion, but the loop still breaks.

in a roundabout way, it... gives me so much hope. if the outside factors were different, if the stars did not align just right to allow siffrin's family to get there on time to save them, if siffrin never learned to open their mouth, which by all means seems like the likeliest course of events... they'd still get out. worse for wear, and separated by a gap unbridgeable, but out.

there is a future. there is freedom.

=====

to speak more specifically on dull ache, if you'll forgive the indulgence, just since this was originally meant to be in a reply to the author in my own comments section:

I think I so desperately needed to write it with a focus on the family siffrin left behind because I wanted to prove, if just for myself, that in that barely-dodged alternative there still could be a future for everyone. (isabeau's just happened to be the voice in which dull ache came to me, but the point was to create an epilogue for all four.)

for the rest of the family, who was not quite so deeply ravaged but was still left in a bad way at the end of None Forward, and for whom randomness is not pretty much unequivocally good just by virtue of being better than the alternative like it is for siffrin and loop (more on that in a sec), I could see it mattering more to set specific pieces up precisely, and I could actually imagine the pieces I could set up that could have a meaningful impact in the immediate future.

so. y’know. I set them, in the way I happened to want to. granted, with some extra... divine indulgence, but siffrin's departure from their family's perspective at the end of None Forward was definitely Wrong but not so obviously wrong that I could believe that without it they wouldn't otherwise either (a) go hunting him down to force out the truth, which felt Worse, or (b) just "accept" that it was as simple as Siffrin not actually caring about them/brushing them off and thus intentionally fade him into the distance in their minds to deal with it. which felt like the WORST POSSIBLE THING.

you'd think it might make more sense to have done this for siffrin and loop, instead. they're arguably the ones who need it most, after all, so why not build them up from rock bottom as a sweeping show of "things get better"?

but... i think it doesn't need to be written to have faith that it will happen: the very fact that Siffrin is about to set out on a new journey in a reality where everything is a dynamic player just. immediately gives me hope all by itself. random lucky things that save you are so much more believable and wonderful when random lucky things in general are happening all the time, and you have all the time in the world for them to happen.

and anyway, I don't think this is the kind of future you’d write satisfyingly as a sequence of events at all. to heal from this is something that will take an incredible amount of time and nonlinear progress. 

until one day, through a series of disconnected small quiet gloriously-random lived experiences, without knowing when it happened or being able to trace it back, you realize, oh —

somewhere along the way, you came to know how to live again.

[malvolios-yellow-stockings]

Some thoughts on the final two episodes and why what happened had to happen because they weren’t ready to be in love your honour

disclaimer - did i basically just describe the plot of episodes 9 and 10 without much analysis, yes i did, but this is self-care so it doesn’t count

After becoming coherent again, after processing what happened in episodes 9 and 10, I can safely say 

Guys, guys, this needed to happen.

This right here ↑, this was never going to work. Stede and Ed have both been desperately trying not to deal with their past one way or another.

Both of them have shame and guilt over it (relating to themselves, each other and other people as well). And terrible amounts of self-loathing and self-doubt that make them unable to deal with their problems in a healthy way also dwell in both of them.

Don't get me wrong, these two are definitely in love, but to me it seems to be a „meeting the right person at the right time, they change each other’s lives but neither of them is emotionally ready for a relationship yet“ kind of situation.

Let me explain what I mean in a semi-coherent way (which means throwing my brainrot at the walls of my atrophied analytical brain and seeing what even remotely sticks, you have been warned):

Let’s go over their pasts real quick

So, we know Stede has been in a sense traumatized, made fun of and humiliated for being a weak-hearted, soft-handed, lily-livered little rich boy, in his father's words, since his childhood. Where every act of kindness and unwillingness to be cruel just meant he wasn't a proper man. Where him picking flowers as a kid resulted in being bullied and his hands being tied to oars with rope, being made to row across a lake (river?) while the other kids threw rocks at him.

The society he grew up in has never really appreciated his eccentricities, but has made him extremely insecure in himself to the point of believing there's something wrong with him, that he really is weak, a monster who destroys everything he touches because he is just unlovable and a burden.

  ↑  from episode 1

my dear brother

your own family

↑  from episode 9

And when Badminton (the balding one who says he doesn’t pay much attention to the fact his twin had more hair although he totally does) says this to Stede's face - Stede Bonnet is not a human, he validates every deepest fear and hatred Stede has for himself, every single doubt he has ever had.

And the worst of it all:

God's perfect little rich boy

And this is where he completely breaks down

He believes he ruined Ed, that Ed will be so much better off without him. And we know, from the way he reacts to Ed's plan and the way he reacted to Ed's perceived calmness in the Royal Privateering Academy before that, that the doubt of what he has done to Ed is finally settling in. Stede hates himself and he carries that hatred 24/7.

Stede has always wanted to feel accepted, to belong, to feel his thoughts and opinions matter to someone, that there must be someone willing to listen to him and respect him. He left his wife and kids because he felt like a burden, which doesn't really justify his selfish actions but does make them understandable, sincerely believing his disappearance would be better for them (even if he used that as another excuse to leave and to make himself feel better about the decision). But there's almost no point in time where he doesn't regret his decisions, especially when he's at his most vulnerable. Although he acts selfishly quite a lot, and displays either naivety or unwillingness to process the consequences his actions have on others, he still cannot help but feel deep guilt over what he did to his family by fucking off to the sea and abandoning them "on a whim". He feels responsible for that.

So when Badminton dies after making him completely crumble, of course he reverts back to his old life, wanting to forget Ed. He thinks Ed will be better off without him, that he has somehow made Ed weak like himself. But he also feels like Ed will realise everything Badminton had previously said to him is true, and it's better to run away than ruin something directly, by being himself, the parts of himself he cannot change and the parts the society he grew up in has ostracized him for (I believe, that at this stage, Stede hasn’t fully realized that Ed likes and „understands his idiosyncrasies“). I think that fear of Ed "seeing through" him and finding nothing but a spoiled, weak man also propels Stede to do what he does, and that is to run away (or back, I guess, to his wife and kids with an excuse, while also trying to make himself sincerely believe, that he’s doing this to make things better with them, to reconcile and correct his past mistakes) because as Stede has said himself - he's a coward. Both for leaving Mary and the kids, and now for leaving Ed.

Fun, now onto Ed. So, Ed isn’t the primary main character in season 1, he gets fully introduced a few episodes in. We also don’t know much of his backstory. There are a few incredibly important character moments for Ed, an in many ways, his narrative can seem incredibly similar and also incredibly different to Stede’s. As I’ve already mentioned, the things that link them together are the shame, guilt, self-doubt and self-loathing they experience. The boredom Stede feels before he runs off to become a pirate and the lethargy we find Ed in while Stede is recovering from his stab wound.

The first bit of his childhood we learn of is when the crew prepare their first „fuckery“ and the mythical Kraken gets reintroduced (first time obviously being the traumatic memory Ed disguises as a cool monster story he tells to the crew). (Holy shit, that part when Ed falls down and retreats visibly upset is so fucking sad).

The display reinvigorates Ed’s memory and Stede witnesses his distress. He reveals to Stede he was the one who killed his father, to protect his mother and himself. The thing is, Ed struggles with the fear of being unlovable as much as Stede does. He has grown up in violence and poverty, using ruthlessness as the only way to get by and to survive the harsh conditions in which he lives. He has been brought up on violence, he’s enacted it, and he remains haunted by the memory of strangling his father, and has not directly been the cause of another’s death after that but has always outsourced the job to someone else (mostly Izzy presumably, but many others as we see in the scene where he tries to learn to dine). He is driven to feel unworthy of love and kindness because of his past behaviour, like there is something fundamentally wrong with him. While Stede hates himself because of his perceived weakness and soft-heartedness, Ed, on the other side of the same coin, feels ultimately unfixable because he considers himself to be violent. Still, he doesn’t go through killing Stede, instead growing even more attached to him. Stede, who is one of the first people who has shown him kindness and friendship, gentleness, and the man to whom he has introduced himself as just ’Ed’, not mentioning he is Blackbeard until later.

And throughout their developing relationship, while Stede learns about pirating, Ed’s change is more fundamental, Stede’s kindness is „rubbing off on him“. Calico Jack returning brings out some of the carelessness and rudeness from Ed Stede hasn’t seen before and the whole episode proves a challenge to the question of Ed’s nature. Seemingly, his self-doubt, and trauma-born (or at least informed) Blackbeard persona come back, Ed ready to leave with Jack. But as he finds out Stede is in danger, all of that goes into the water as he tries to get back to The Revenge in time, while Jack is baffled to realize Ed considers Stede his friend. Ed is beginning to shed Blackbeard as the only facet of his personality more and more.

So, when the big disaster™ happens, much like Stede’s biggest fears are awoken by Badminton, Ed’s deepest insecurities of being unlovable and outright evil are, in his mind, confirmed, when he waits the whole night for Stede and Stede doesn’t come. I think that deep fear is the reason why Ed doesn’t even consider Stede might be dead, not trying to search for Stede, thinking „of course he doesn’t love me, even at my most vulnerable, most kind, most Ed, he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t even know Blackbeard like others do and I’m still not enough, I’m not good enough, I’ll never be, I’m broken and I don’t deserve to be happy“. So he goes. And cutting someone out of your life is hard this time, it’s not Izzy or Calico Jack, even though he is attached to them, it’s Stede, the first person he allowed himself to fall in love with and the man who has changed him.

Now we go to The big disaster™ 

The big disaster™ hits because of a few things, but I’ll focus on the two I think are the main reason(s?). Stede and Ed aren’t on the same page when it comes to their relationship to their respective pasts. Both are held down by them, but Ed (thinks) he’s ready to move on while Stede still feels some form of regret and need to see his (previous) family again. Ed, it seems, doesn’t get that, and wildly suggests China which scares Stede even more, the whole „leave everyone behind to be together and create new identities“ thing. It pulls Stede even more back to his past. He is confronted with what he has done to Mary and we get this little flashback I think is important.

Now, obviously, this flashback can take on a completely different context and meaning to Stede, Mary and their relationship in episode 10, but in episode 9, right after Ed suggests going to China, Stede realizes he cannot do that, he feels he doesn’t deserve it because of what he’s done to Mary and their children. So while I’ve seen others suggest this expression Stede is wearing is one of complete adoration for Ed and belief in his plan, I suggest this – this is the moment Stede becomes more determined to go back to Mary and kids, and the face he makes really looks like he’s second-guessing himself and Ed, it’s the continuation of his doubt while becoming aware of what him leaving Ed in that moment might do to him although not completely understanding the scope of what will actually happen to Ed. In other news, Stede doesn’t actually take his own advice to talk about his feelings.

After The big disaster™ strikes and the parallels

I’ve already written about what happens directly to Stede and Ed, now let’s talk about the character evolution/devolution aspect of it all and what flips them over.

As episode 10 moves along we see Stede devolving and relapsing into this old life, still a shoe that doesn’t quite fit, Stede trying to make it happen at all cost. Him being a pretty terrible husband, he and Mary, as Mary says, „can’t seem to stop hurting each other“.

Meanwhile, Ed is taking the heartbreak harshly, obviously, and through a bit of Lucius’ help, he expresses his feeling, trying to get over it in the way Stede has taught him. He even dresses in Stede’s clothes, to comfort himself and to take on Stede’s management style for just a bit. He’s becoming more comfortable with appearing feminine, expressing himself, opening himself up to others and listening to their feelings too, something he hasn’t quite done before. He’s experiencing his first real heartbreak, and even though Stede’s a massive dick for leaving him, his advice and the way he’s changed Ed are currently helping Ed heal.

Then shit hits the fan and flips the scenarios big time. Why? Because of the people Stede and Ed have surrounded themselves with and deemed important, people who have, for better of worse, been a part of their lives for years and possibly decades.

And these two people, who flip the switch, couldn’t be any more different – Mary and Izzy. Neither likes what they see in front of them, both want to return to their „normal“ lives by dealing with the person who’s making that a difficulty. But, Mary has found love in Doug, is loved by her community, friends, and children and has a blossoming painting career while Izzy wants to return to ruthlessness, pirating and generally being a stinky little bastard git a piece of shit. Mary wants to have kindness and happiness in her life, while Izzy wants that eliminated. So, they obviously have different ways of dealing with Stede/Ed.

After a failed murder attempt (girlboss), Mary and Stede talk things through, realizing they absolutely do not belong together. Mary helps him finally understand what being in love feels like, something he hasn’t felt before and therefore hadn’t known how to recognize, and he tells her - „His name is Ed“.

To finally grant himself and Mary the freedom they both deserve, Stede uses the knowledge Ed has passed onto him, to create a „fuckery“ and fake his own death, ready to get back to Ed.

No specific reason why I put this in, I just think the whole scene with Stede faking his death is really entertaining.

Meanwhile, Ed’s healing is interrupted by Izzy pushing him more and more into becoming Blackbeard again, insulting him at every step. While Mary has uncovered the man underneath Stede and helped him, Izzy has uncovered Ed instead of Blackbeard and he fucking hates Ed.

Izzy doesn’t want Ed, he doesn’t see Ed, he only sees his captain as Blackbeard. He rips out a page Blackbeard has explicitly made fun of in Stede’s presence well before they became as close as they were, and shoves it in Ed’s face, solidifying the fact that Izzy has never really understood the man underneath Blackbeard.

After this, due to many factors, being emotionally distressed after being left by a man he was in love with being one of the biggest ones obviously, Ed reverts back to his coping mechanism, something he has built for survival, but this time, it’s an entirely different beast, not Blackbeard – the Kraken. The beginning of this is symbolized by two actions – the throwing away of his red fabric which has become a stand-in for Ed’ heart and the raising of the new flag with a heart being stabbed through.

Three things that directly portray him coming to „the dark side“ are throwing Lucius overboard (Lucius was a crew member Ed was closest to, whom he confided in and was also the least oblivious to the feelings Stede and Ed had/have for each other, so interpret that as you wish, although I’m pretty sure Lucius is unkillable, bless him), cutting Izzy’s pinky and making him eat it (a parallel to the scene where he is ready to leave this all behind for Stede, when he tells him about „making people eat their toes for fun“ which makes Stede react, reasonably, in disgust, so I interpret this as Ed trying hard to distance Stede from himself as drastically as possible) and leaving Stede’s crew, „Bonnet’s playthings“ as he calls them (notice the shift from using Stede’s name to his surname), to die on a small „island“. His transformation is apparently, assumedly complete. He is donning a mask he has used to survive this long.

Closing thoughts A.K.A. It’s going to be alright

While Stede's journey is more focused on him grappling with heteronormativity and what he thinks he ought to do, Ed grapples with toxic masculinity (Blackbeard, in my opinion, being a real part of Ed, not a performance, a fractured image of himself he used in order to survive, the only way he knew how, and the Kraken being an exaggerated, almost parody performance of Blackbeard, taken to the extreme, as I’ve written beforehand) and what/who he is. Although this is obviously simplified.

In the end of episode 10, the season finale, we see Stede accepting himself, realising he cannot fit into the upper-class bubble he has tried "correcting" himself into. He finally accepts his feelings for Ed and what they mean for both of them, taking what Ed has taught him with him on the journey, determined to make things right again. On the other hand, the last shot of Ed we get isn't that of the ruthless Kraken, but of Ed himself, heartbroken, crying, alone, trying to exorcise every trace of Stede, reminded of what happened as he looks at the lighthouse painting, the only thing he has presumably kept of Stede’s, we see that the Kraken is something he is trying to "correct" himself into, although it seems not to be working.

Stede is finally starting to accept himself and he had his closure with Mary, now it's Ed's turn.

It’s all going to be okay and CHEERS TO SEASON 2 Y’ALL!!! 🌈 🏴‍☠️

did i basically just describe the plot of episodes 9 and 10 without much analysis, yes i did, but this is self-care so it doesn’t count, i apologize to anyone who has read this

[fandom-smut-shots]

Keith Kogane - I’m Not Going Anywhere

Not Going Anywhere

A/N: Modern life AU.

Also, any genders and pronouns are acceptable to request. If not specified, I default to female, because that’s the majority of reader inserts in my experience.

Summary: You’ve been dating Keith for about six months, but you’ve only recently met his group of friends. He’s worried that they each have more to offer you than he does, and his insecurities eat away at him until you calm him down.

Words: 2,063

           “Your girlfriend is coming to the party, right?”

         Keith froze, glancing up at Shiro where the older man stood beside the stove, preparing a pot of spinach artichoke dip. He was a disaster at cooking actual food, but he’d managed to learn to prepare dips like a boss.

         “Uh…” was all the black-haired boy managed in response, shoving a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

         “Come on, Keith,” Shiro chided gently, employing his best Older Brother voice. “You’ve been seeing this girl for, what, six months now? I think it’s time I met her. And what better time to introduce her to the gang than at your birthday party?”

         “Do I have to introduce her to everyone?” Keith whined, glaring down at his breakfast. “Can’t she just meet you and be done with it?”

         Shiro sighed, turning to argue when he caught sight of his brother’s expression. Keith wasn’t one for expressing his emotions, so Shiro had learned early on how to read the arch of his brow and the shine of his eyes. Keith currently looked crestfallen, which given the circumstances meant that insecurities were buzzing around inside his head.

         “It’s going to be fine, Keith,” the older boy commented, taking a seat across from Keith at the table. “Everyone is going to love her, and she’s going to love your friends.”

         “That’s what I’m worried about,” was all Keith murmured before he stood, setting his cereal bowl in the sink before turning to skulk down the hallway towards his room.

           “I’d love to go to his birthday party!” you squealed into the phone, balancing it between your ear and your shoulder so you had free use of your hands. “I’m almost done decorating his cake. I could bring it with me!”

         “He’d love that,” Shiro chuckled on the other end. “We’re not a baking-inclined family, so it’s always store-bought cakes for us.”

         “He told me he just wanted to do something simple to celebrate with me,” you returned, swirling icing atop the cake to add calligraphic decoration to Keith’s name. “I wonder why he didn’t tell me you were throwing him a party.”

         “He doesn’t like being the center of attention,” Shiro reasoned.

         You hummed in agreement. “That’s true.” Setting the piping bag on the counter, you paused, a frown forming on your lips. “It’s not… He wants me to come, right? He won’t be mad that you invited me?”

         Shiro sighed into the receiver, and you bit your lip nervously. “He’ll be upset that I went behind his back, but I know him very well, and I think he’d enjoy the party a lot more if you were there. He’s just nervous about you meeting his friends. They can be a handful.”

         “If you’re sure,” you replied. The last thing you wanted to do was upset your boyfriend while trying to celebrate his birthday. “I’ll be there. With a cake.”

         “Perfect,” the man on the phone replied. “I’ll see you tonight. It’ll be great, I promise.”

         You hung up the phone and set it on the counter, admiring your handiwork on your boyfriend’s cake. Exhaling softly, you tried to believe Shiro’s words. Everything would be fine.

           Your heart hammered in your chest as you approached the front door of Shiro and Keith’s shared house. Carefully balancing the cake with one hand, you raised the other to knock on the door, waiting patiently but anxiously for someone to answer. The door opened to reveal Shiro, smiling widely upon seeing you on the other side.

         “(y/n)! It’s so great to meet you!” he greeted enthusiastically. “I’m Shiro, Keith’s older brother. I apologize if I startled you with that phone call earlier – I wasn’t sure Keith would actually follow through and invite you.”

         “He didn’t,” you giggled. “I don’t mind at all. I’ve been wanting to meet you for months.”

         “Let me take that for you,” he offered, easing the cake out of your hold. He headed inside, nodding for you to follow him. You closed the door behind you, following the tall man- like seriously, how was he that tall?-  into the kitchen. There stood a thicker boy, nearly as tall as Shiro, stirring and chopping like a professional chef.

         “That cheese sauce smells amazing, Hunk,” Shiro complimented the cook, placing the cake on the counter.

         “It’s almost done- ooh, where’d the cake come from?” the cook inquired.

         “Keith’s girlfriend.”

         The spoon being used to stir the cheese sauce fell to the floor with a clink, gooey cheese splashing all over the tile.

         “Keith’s what?!”

         The tall, tanned cook spun on his heel, a grin splitting his lips as he caught sight of you. “She’s real!”

         Shiro laughed softly, stepping closer to you. “Hunk, this is (y/n). (y/n), this is Hunk, our resident chef. He shares a few classes with Keith.”

         “I’m an engineering major,” Hunk explained, offering his hand. You placed your comparably tiny hand in his, giggling softly.

         “It’s nice to meet you. Keith has mentioned your cooking.”

         Hunk’s eyes sparkled at the confirmation that the emotionally constipated raven appreciated his food before he turned back to the stove.

         “Hey, Shiro, what-“ Keith stopped in his tracks as he entered the kitchen, his eyes widening as he stared at you. “(y/n)? What are you doing here?”

         “I invited her because I knew you wouldn’t,” Shiro explained.

         “It’s okay that I’m here, right, babe?” you questioned, brows furrowing with worry as you took Keith’s hands in yours.

         “Babe?” teased an unfamiliar voice. “Keith lets someone call him babe?” A tall, thin brunet sauntered into view, resting his elbow on your boyfriend’s shoulder. “Hey, who’s the hottie? She’s- ow!”

         Keith’s elbow collided with the brunet’s rib, and he stepped away.

         “Yeah, it’s okay,” Keith murmured, lacing his fingers with yours, but you could hear the uncertainty in his voice. You stood up on your toes, pressing your lips to his, and he melted into the gesture despite having an audience. The brunet from before whistled at the sight, and Keith pulled back with a glare in his eyes and a blush on his cheeks.

         “I’m (y/n,” you introduced, offering your hand.

         “The name’s Lance,” the tan brunet grinned, taking your hand in his and lightly kissing your knuckles. You simply raised a brow in response, unsurprised when Keith ripped Lance’s hand away from yours.

         “She’s taken,” he growled, wrapping an arm around your waist. You giggled softly, resting your head on Keith’s shoulder.

         “Is that everyone?” you inquired, looking towards Shiro.

         “Hunk!” another voice called from the hallway. “Are the nachos done? I’m starving- oh, hey.”

         Finally, someone not insanely tall.

         “I’m Pidge,” they offered, lifting their hand to their head in a salute. “You must be Keith’s girlfriend.”

         “(y/n),” you countered. “Are you another friend of his?”

         Pidge stole a chip from the bowl on the table, popping it into their mouth. “If that’s what we’re calling it. I’m friends with Lance and Hunk, and they kinda forced Keith to join the group.”

         “I encouraged it,” Shiro replied. “My brother needs social skills.”

         “I have plenty of social skills,” Keith grumbled in response.

         Lance snickered loudly, Pidge choked on a ship, and Hunk chuckled from his place at the stove.

         “I got myself a girlfriend without your interference, didn’t I?” your boyfriend defended, his grip around your wait tightening.

         “How did you two meet, anyway?” Pidge questioned.

         “I’m an art major,” you replied. “We met in Interpretive Painting.”

         “Keith takes art classes?” Lance gasped, his voice raising several octaves.

         “Makes sense,” Pidge shrugged.

         “Interpretive Painting?” Hunk repeated. “That sounds like fun.”

         “Ah, someone who will encourage my brother to keep working on his art,” Shiro smiled. “I already love her.”

         Keith used his hand on your waist to guide you away from the others, leading you to the living room. He sat on the couch, pulling you onto his lap, securing his arms around you. Your own arms wrapped around his neck, your fingers toying with his thick raven hair. His nose nuzzled into your neck as he inhaled deeply, enjoying the scent of your body wash.

         “Why didn’t you want me to meet them?” you inquired softly. “They seem nice.”

         “Too nice,” he murmured against your skin. “They’ll take you away from me.”

         You pulled away from Keith just enough to lift his head, caressing his jaw with your hand, gazing softly into his violet eyes. “You don’t really think that, do you?”

         His gaze dropped somewhere behind you – a tell that the current situation made him vulnerable and insecure.

         “You heard them in there. I’m not social. How many times have you told me I suck at texting back? If you hadn’t been so friendly, I wouldn’t have even been able to ask you out.”

         “So?” you questioned, brushing your thumb across is cheekbone. “I’m dating you, aren’t I? If you being anti-social was an issue, I wouldn’t have said yes.”

         He sighed, dropping his forehead to your shoulder. “Lance is better at romance and dating. Pidge is smart, and you like a lot of the same games. Hunk can cook actual meals. They have more to offer you.”

         Your heart broke at his honesty. You knew how hard it was for Keith to be so open, even with you. He must have been dreading the day you met his friends if he was this concerned about it.

         Taking his face in your hands, you lifted his head until you can access his mouth. You gently pressed your lips to his, pouring your emotions into the kiss. He sighed softly against your lips, his arms tightening around your waist. You let one hand slide back to tangle in his hair, gently tugging on the strands.

         “I’m not going anywhere,” you promised between kisses. “I love you, Keith. Befriending your friends means I get to spend more time with you and learn more about you. They’re not going to take me from you, I promise.”

         “Dinner is done!” Hunk’s voice called from the kitchen.

         You slid off of Keith’s lap, much to his dismay, and offered him a hand. “Come on, babe. Let’s go eat.”

         He took your hand, lacing your fingers and squeezing softly as he followed you into the kitchen. Chips, cheese, meat, and vegetables decorated the table as a homemade nacho bar for everyone to dig into. Keith’s amethyst eyes danced around the kitchen, landing on an unfamiliar container on the counter.

         “What’s that?” he inquired, turning his gaze to Hunk.

         Hunk grinned. “(y/n) brought it.”

         “It’s your cake,” you replied, shoving a fully-coated nacho into your mouth.

         “You made me a cake?” Keith questioned, his eyes softening as he looked at you.

         “The plan was for us to have a private party after you were done here,” you shrugged. “When Shiro invited me, I figured I might as well bring the cake.”

         Keith dipped his head, pressing a loving kiss to your lips. Lance and Pidge cat-called from somewhere behind you, but Keith didn’t seem to mind. Shiro smiled from behind Keith, shaking his head softly.

           After dinner and cake were thoroughly enjoyed, you followed Keith and his friends to the living room to watch movies. He sat on the couch and you reclaimed your place on his lap, snuggling into his chest. His hands intertwined with yours, his fingertips brushing your knuckles, and you peppered soft kisses to his jaw, reminding him that you were his.

         While everyone was enthralled in the movie, you turned to face your boyfriend. You untangled a hand from his in order to lift it to his face, cupping his cheek. He turned his gaze from the movie to look at you, a soft expression in his eyes that only you were allowed to see. You shifted in his lap, pulling his lips down to yours. He tilted his head to deepen the kiss, gently nipping at your lower lip with his teeth. You were tempted to give in until you recalled your company, reluctantly breaking the kiss and settling back against his chest.

         “I’m not going anywhere,” you murmured softly, squeezing his hand as you watched the movie. The kiss he pressed to the side of your head told you that he understood, and while you knew his insecurities wouldn’t be magically washed away, you also knew that he was trying and that was more than enough for you.